Cliques or Safety Zones?

Nellie Harden: 00:00:04

Hello and welcome to the 6570 family project podcast. If you are a parent of a tween teen or somewhere on the way, this is exactly the place for you. This is the playground for parents who want to raise their kids with intention, strength and joy. Come and hear all the discussions, get all the tactics and have lots of laughs along the way. We will dive into the real challenges and raising kids today how to show up as parents and teach your kids how to show up as members of the family and individuals of the world. My name is Nellie Hardin, big city girl turns small towns sipping iced tea on the front porch mama, who loves igniting transformation in the hearts and minds of families by helping them build selfless discipline and leadership that elevates the family experience. And sets the kids up with a rock solid foundation they can launch their life on all before they ever leave home. This is the 6570 family project. Let's go Hello, everyone. Welcome to another episode of the 6570 a family project. And in this in this podcast, we really work on putting aside the power struggles that we have with our kids and really instead finding the path to lead them our young women or young men toward worth esteem and confidence, which is what they need to respectfully and with growing wisdom step out into the world as a young adult and we are working with them during their tween and teen years. Right, which is not always the um bumpiest of roads as a parent, right. I just came up with that word on don't look it up. It doesn't exist. I just came up with it. But my name is Nelly Hardin, and I am a family life and leadership coach. And today, I really want to dive into this idea of clicks now. It is when this is being recorded. This is the first the time that people are going back to school over the last six weeks some go next week. And our kids are going back to school and this idea of these tight knit inter woven unpalatable it seems at many times, groups of especially young women, right? Young men definitely get into these cliques or groups, but especially in young young women, this tends to be more fierce kind of lioness territory, if you will. Right. And so I want to explore this a little bit. And is it an outward aggression? Or is it an inward insecurity? Okay, that really is the big question. And if we can shift our perspective, and if we can help our daughters and our, our kids shift their perspectives, maybe they will look on others not as negative and they will also look on themselves as not as on worthy. Okay, so let's let's dive into this a little bit. So first of all, why do they huddle? What is this huddle? Think about many of you know, I actually come my beginning work in psychology biology, was working in the animal kingdom. And I think of other animal groups that huddle or swarm, right, there's there's birds, there's fish, there's bees, there's antelope, right? There's even like I said, you know, these lionesses, and a lot, and you see this a lot over and over in the animal kingdom. And what is the answer every single time? Safety? The answer is safety. And I don't think that the human condition to go and do this is any different frankly, I think it is a safety issue. And like safety zones, if you will, for these young women. I'm just going to this does happen to young men, too. I see it mostly mostly mostly in young women. So I'm just going to say that but if you're listening, and you have a young man know that this happens, too, but in just for saving my words, I'm going to say young women, so in young women, they go through this time, right? They, when they were young, and I'm talking maybe zero to a well, maybe not zero, they they didn't have much of a personality the day they came out, some do but anyway, when they get to really developing that personality, and you see that in them to about third fourth grade, right?

Nellie Harden: 00:04:49

They at that point, have big personality conquer the world standing on top of the mountain, shouting at the top of their lungs. They don't necessarily care what other people think of them. Right? They are wearing the Punky Brewster shout out to the you Gen Xers out there with me. But the Punky Brewster, crazy, crazy outfits, right? It doesn't matter because they are them and they are shouting it from the rooftops. But that crazy confidence starts to fold inward during the great transition, the great transition is that transition from the first half to the second half of childhood, it is one of the great parental and for the child great transitions of the parenthood childhood 6570 journey. Now 6570 is how many days 6570 are in 18 years. Every single one of those days we show up in some way, good bad teaching, guiding, learning a lesson struggling, surviving, whatever it is, we show up during those 6570. And they know it and every day has a lesson or several coming with it again, good or bad or indifferent. You know, it's not like you are going to be teaching them wisdom from every corner of the world every day of that 6570 Sometimes it is we ran late and there was a consequence. And lesson learned. Right? We'll see if we have to get that lesson learned many more times like I do. But every day has lesson or lessons to come out of them. Right. Okay. But would during this great transition, that confidence that they had and you know what I'm talking about? You remember when she was just bold, bold, bold, right? And then it starts to fold inside because other opinions all of a sudden start to matter. Because why? Because they're being told that they matter. Right? Now, I am not a person that's going to say other people's opinions don't matter at all. Of course they do. We live in community, we live in a world, if other people's opinions didn't matter, there wouldn't be job interviews, there wouldn't be college interviews, there wouldn't be, you know, different tracks in school and all of these things, other people's opinions matter they do. But the degree to which they matter. And the the specifics and how they matter or what they matter about, really kind of get confused during this time. So when you think about all there's there's three buckets that go into someone's thoughts, it is what I have experienced. It is my past IQ, or I'm sorry, what I'm experiencing right now, it is my past experiences, and any stories that I've come up with in that way, and what other people are telling me, okay, and one thing that is really crucial for a parent to understand is it doesn't matter necessarily, what is true, it matters what they believe, because what they believe is what is going through their thoughts cycle their thoughts, feelings, decisions, actions, results, that is what is going through their thoughts cycle, it doesn't matter what's true. And we can talk about that. And we can, the more connection that you build with them with truth and trust, that is what is going to be able to feed into having that true, come into their thought cycle. But when you first approach them, it is what they believe. So if someone goes up to them and says something to them about your hair is stupid, right? Even if something is as simple as that, or someone comes up to them after Kim chemistry tests are brought back and said, I got a 96 What did you get, it doesn't matter if they got a 95 Anything below a 96 they're going to feel shame for because that other person is obviously, you know, trying to grandstand them in their mind. Whereas in reality, that other person is probably also insecure and very proud of their 96 and wanted to share that. But also not just say I got a 96 Right. They're also trying to share an experience with another person. So perspectives are so so so so

Nellie Harden: 00:09:31

vital. Looking at the ammunition or the why behind other people's behavior is really really, really important and can save on so much shame and guilt and worthiness issues in your family. But these conversations have to happen and in order for that to happen, trust, that connection needs to be there with truth and trust. So that is why all of this comes together and I can't get into all of it today of course But I wanted to touch on these. So again, it doesn't matter what's true, it matters what they believe right then because their thoughts cycle, remember, it is what people are telling them also. So let's, let's just picture this, it might have happened to you. I know it definitely happened to me, you walk into school, and there is this clique, this group of young women over here, and you walk in, and you say, they all looked at me, and then they turned around and they started laughing. What do you automatically think? They're laughing at me? Those people are all judging me. What is it? Is it my hair? Did I did I not put pants on? Right? Is it my outfit? Do I have mismatched shoes? Do they think I'm stupid? Right? What is happening? Those girls over there are higher than me in some way, shape, or form. And they looked at me and then started laughing. So that is obviously something about me, it is me centric, right? Which isn't necessarily true, they could have been looking at someone that was in your general direction, they could have been just having a joke, it could have been all of these things. Not to say there are not mean girls out there. Because there are there are mean kids out there. But meanness always comes from insecurity. It always does. I have yet to meet someone that is acting in a mean way being really rude. That is not coming from an insecurity. Core right there. So always thinking about that, too. But if you're on the outside of the huddle, that shuts down, you're worth right there, you haven't even started your day, you haven't even gone to first period, you haven't made it to your teacher or your homeroom or whatever. You haven't even made it to your locker. If your school still has lockers, many don't. But you just walked in the door, and you're worth a shot, right there. So that's why it's and then it affects the entire rest of your day, maybe the entire rest of your week or month. Who knows. But this is why it's so important to establish worth at home. So they understand how to find worth out there, you guys, if you have not downloaded the five needs that your teen has right now and how to fill them, or how to easily fill them. Right. The training ground of life is during the tween and teen ages. And that is in your living room that is in your kitchen that is in their bedroom that is on the soccer field that is in their schools, all of these things, but the real training ground is in your home. And if you can teach them there, then they'll know what to find out there. Okay,

Nellie Harden: 00:12:50

so if you haven't downloaded that, be sure especially if you have a young woman between nine and 18 are on the way that you go to the family architects club, it is in the shownotes be sure to go there it is the members gift there. And I want you to have that. Okay. But within this group, right, it's all these concentric circles of insecurity. So person walks in, and this group looked at them and they think, wow, or this person thinks, wow, they looked at me, they laughed, my worth a shot. Let's look into that group, let's drop a mic into that group of young women, right? Maybe one of them is usually the headliner right there. They're all kind of around one, or that's the I said that and so many 90 and 80 and 90 films popped into my head, right. But that's not always the case, they might just all be really close friends, right? But you drop that in there. And someone says someone can say something, because they're feeling insecure about something. And then everybody else chimes in and has to take that downward spiral deeper. Because if they don't, then they're going to be on the outside and not feeling worthy either. It's all about safety. It's all about if I am with you, then I am protected. If I am with you, then I don't have to worry about what's out there. Right. They're going to get me or whatever can get me right. It's very contagious. And unfortunately, sometimes the insecurity bubbles are enclosed in these cliques and sometimes the insecurity is walking around on the outsides on the outside. And that might be your child too. But looking at perspectives is really important and helping them understand how can I find people that actually know my worth? And I'm not just chasing it, right? There's four roadblocks to building all of this and one of them is comparison, right? That's big with insecurity comparison. There is people pleasing there is perfectionism, and there's These shifting identities and all of them have to do with chasing worth, if you are chasing worth or your child is chasing worth, they're constantly putting on a new costume, a new mask over and over and over again to see, Am I worthy in this? No. Okay, am I worthy in this? No. Okay, am I worthy in this? No. And then it just keeps going on and on and they miss who they are. So what can you do? Right? Well, you want to help them establish who they are, what are your values, what is important to you, and then help establish a a thinking a thought cycle that can go through them. Now I have a thought cycle. It's called her aligned living thoughts halt. It is called that because we are constantly thinking you can't not think during your awake hours. There's a lot of science out there that says you can't not think during your unconscious hours too. But I'm talking about during your conscious hours, having a system that you can go through to make sure Wait a second, they might not have been looking at me, they might not be laughing at me, they might have a joke that they're just telling themselves, they might have looked at, you know, the window outside and seen something out there or whatever that slight bit of doubt that crack in your story that that that story that they're making up in their head that

Nellie Harden: 00:16:30

crack is enough to diffuse the worth, the lack of worth story happening in them. So like I said, the training ground of life is when we teach them so that they know how to find genuine connection with people and they are not then finding fairweather friends. I don't know if you've heard this term before. But a fair weather friend is someone that is only with you or friends with you during certain times to fill a certain need of theirs. Right? It could be physical, it could be emotional. It could be you're the only one here during I don't know our brother's baseball practice. So we're going to be friends here. But tomorrow when I see you in the hall, we're not going to be friends. And if your child puts their worth within that friendship, and defines their worth by that it that is going to be crushed every single day at school. So how can we do that? How can we reestablish and teach them those things? I don't have time to get all into it. Here it is. It is a teaching I do during the Ignite her joy workshop. If you are not a part of that yet, please, please, please go and register Nellie harden.com/ignite. Again, Nellie harden.com/ignite. And that is N E l l i e H A R d e n.com/ignite. So so many people spell my name with a Y or with an H AR di N That's not it. It's N e l l i e H A R d e n. But anyway, so in that we want to help them firmly establish their worth, what is it that they need, they need to be heard, they need to be seen. They need to love and belong and have purpose. Those are the needs of every human and during the teen and tween years, they go from a scale of one to 10 Let's talk here they go from maybe a five that's always going right to a 50. Yes scale of one to 10, they go to a 50 because that is where their worth in lies. They need to find it at home, develop it at home. So they know where to find it in their school, in their community, in their sports, in their friendships, and their extended family, even all of that is there. And then when we're working on this worth, okay, well, now I need to actually not just feel worthy, but value and appreciate myself. And that's where esteem comes in. And in order to do or to have esteem, you need to be able to align your actions with your thoughts, align your actions with your values. All of that comes with a halt cycle that I want to teach you in ignite her joy, you guys. But what I want you to walk away from in this episode right here is a perspective change when your child comes home and says that they were lonely, or that they felt ostracized or left out of something today, then have the conversation with them. First of all, totally understanding where they're coming from saying I understand that I felt that too because you have I can't think of any human that has never felt left out at some point. So resonate with them on that. Remember, we've talked about before one of our previous episodes is the five C's Have a good conversation, right? Stay calm. You want to be curious and ask questions, you want to connect with them. That's that resonance with your own stories. You want to cultivate and grow something, right and then bring clarity. So they know what is coming and what they can do in the future in order to have a better outcome. All of that that was in a, I believe it was one of the 20s episodes. But anyway, so having those conversations, again, takes truth and trust building that connection that with them. And the more you can do that, the more consistent you can be that do that. That's another good see right there, the better it will be because they need to see, you know what, maybe whoever was rude to you today, maybe they were having a really hard day because hurt people hurt people. And, you know, let's help them. If you pray, why don't you pray for them, right? If we pray for our enemies, right, it is going to dissuade the wall that you're putting up, it's going to knock down the shame walls that you have around yourself, the worthy walls that they have around themselves, all of those things. So if they're being rude, hurt people hurt people. And the more that we can help them understand that the better equipped they will be to go out into the world and not be knocked down with every wind that comes up them. Okay, guys. So clicks or safety zones.