The Evolution of Being A Teen Girl with Guest Sheri Gazzit

Nellie Harden: 00:00:04

Hello and welcome to the 6570 family project podcast. If you are a parent of a tween teen or somewhere on the way, this is exactly the place for you. This is the playground for parents who want to raise their kids with intention, strength and joy. Come and hear all the discussions, get all the tactics and have lots of laughs along the way. We will dive into the real challenges and raising kids today how to show up as parents and teach your kids how to show up as members of the family and individuals of the world. My name is Mellie Hardin, big city girl turn small town sipping iced tea on the front porch mama, who loves igniting transformation in the hearts and minds of families by helping them build self love, discipline and leadership that elevate the family experience, and sets the kids up with a rock solid foundation they can launch their life on all before they ever leave home. This is the 6570 family project. Let's go

Nellie Harden: 00:01:12

Hello, everyone. Welcome to another episode of the 6570 family project podcast where we are helping teens, tweens and those on their way with their families in order to help build confidence, wisdom and respect into our kids now in order to prepare them for an incredible adulthood later. And this conversation that we have with Coach Sherry today. She is dedicated to helping teens and parents through the difficult ups and downs of adolescence, especially teen girls, she advocates for teen mental wellness by advising foundations appearing on TV and radio shows and writing for magazines. It is such a gift that we have her here today. And we really work together in much of the same fields in order to do what we are doing out in the public with families today, which is bringing families together in order to connect and be able to communicate so the parents can guide them in whatever they need guidance in right then we in this conversation, you guys you are going to hear us talk about brain development and young women and the effects of 24/7 social lives that happened today that are always turning around them, you are going to hear about how parenting young women today is much different than how parents had to parent us before. And also how just being a young woman today is different than it was before. And this is especially for preteens and teens, which is not 13 to 18. You guys, this is eight to 18. So if you're driving right now and you have an eight year old little girl in the backseat, you can look back and know that they are a pre teen, which will probably make you cringe a little bit. And don't worry, I got you. I totally understand and we are here for you. So without further ado, let's start this conversation with code sharing grab yourself a, a cup of coffee or a cup of tea or drive along and just listen in. And if you know anyone else that has a young woman or honestly, if you just know any young women, this is a great episode to share with them because it is packed full of great information. So let's get started. Hello, you guys. Okay, I am so excited I have told you about Sherry and everything that we and that she does and about how what she doesn't what we do here in the 6570 family project is resonating very closely together. And she really specializes in this teen girl dynamic right and their part in the family and how they're feeling. And we can't wait to dive in today. I especially as you know, I have four girls of my own who are 16 1414 and 12. And wow, the house some days can get a little crazy. Last, you know, I have one that's a big mover and another one that super annoyed by a lot of movement. And so last night, we're just watching a show. And there's this dynamic happening between them. And I'm like, Oh my goodness. So trying to help them be respectful and also be compassionate toward others, but also fulfilling their own needs. It's a dynamic. I'll just say that it's a dynamic. So first, I want to welcome you to the show. Sherry, thank you for coming on and talking to us today.

Sherri Gazzit: 00:04:39

I'm glad to be here. I love what you're saying about the sibling dynamics because you know people who have more than one child it's not just figuring out one kid, it's all of them and their dynamics together.

Nellie Harden: 00:04:50

Yes, yes. And you know, I've been this is my seventh year homeschooling and so seeing what they do All throughout the day, you know, how they make their lunches, how they eat, how they interact with one another what they do with school and grades and all of that. It has been a deep dive into child psychology for me, because I have four kids that are four corners of a square, they couldn't be more further apart, including the twins that are in the middle. You know, they came out blonde, and brunette, and they are that opposite. But all of them are very close. But very, very, their relationship is close. But they're very, very different. And so yes, trying to find the dynamic of that is always very, very interesting. So I want to first dive into your story. How did you get to a place that you were really focused in the area that is your expertise today?

Unknown: 00:05:50

Well, I grew up with two older sisters, there's just three of us in the house. We, my parents had us young, so they have three of us by the time they were 23. So I grew up with two older sisters, and my parents had us pretty young. So they had three of us by the time they're 23. So it was a little chaotic at times in our household. And I just remember thinking, you know, even at a young age, like I didn't have the support that I needed, my sisters weren't really a support system. For me, they were going through their own stuff, me and my friends all going through our own stuff. So that kind of stuck with me. Even in when I started my degree, I kind of focused everything on pediatrics, because that was the area that resonated with me. So fast forward two years later, I started working for the Women's Sports Foundation, doing a curriculum for young girls. And I knew that was where I wanted to stay. It was for girls, ages eight to 18. And so after that grant ran out, I was like this is where I was meant to be. And that's when I started teen wise and it's just, I know the girl world, I have sisters and I had girl cousins. So it's what really felt like the right fit for me. And it felt like my calling, it didn't really feel like a choice. It just felt like this is what I'm doing.

Nellie Harden: 00:07:06

I can completely resonate with that. So I you know, I have degrees in biology and psychology. And I started work working with humpback whales. And I was an animal behavior specialist with marine mammals. And now I work with teams preteen families and helping parents equip their kids for adulthood. And I'm like, How did I get there from studying it? You know, I don't even know. But I completely understand. It's just what happened. And I couldn't like I literally can't be anywhere else and doing any kind of any other kind of work. This is where I am supposed to be. So I love that. And okay, so I want to talk a little bit about your own. You said that you felt like your sisters were doing their own thing and had their own things going on. And you and your friends did. So you guys were obviously close in age, I'm assuming if your parents had you all before 23. So what kinds of things were you experiencing within your family dynamic there? Was it just maybe feeling a little bit of isolation, you know, whether it was happening or not, it's how you might have been feeling? And just, I don't know, explain that a little bit more.

Unknown: 00:08:23

Well, so growing up with parents who were so young, it was interesting, because they were really growing up as we were growing up, right, they hadn't had time to explore themselves outside of their household. So there was a bit of that going on. And my dad like opened up several different businesses. We had a family business, my great grandfather opened up but he was like, I don't want to just do that. So he would try all these different things, which is probably one reason I'm comfortable being an entrepreneur, I kind of saw that happening. But so that was an interesting dynamic, because they were very focused on themselves, not in a narcissistic way, in any way. But they were trying to grow. And so the three of us girls, were doing the same thing at the same time. So we're all trying to figure ourselves out.

Nellie Harden: 00:09:09

Right, and there's, you know, I talked about the paradoxes, there's two sides to a coin a lot. So that, like you said, gave you the power and know how and ambition to be able to be an entrepreneur yourself. But it doesn't mean it was easy to get there. Right. And, yeah, I can definitely see the same thing. And in my own childhood, and what I went through I was I was one of those pseudo only child families because my dad passed away when I was one. And then my brother and sister were from my mom's second marriage. And so they're nine and 11 years younger than me. And so it was it was a totally different dynamic and it was really hard in some aspects, but it also really made me be able to rely on myself and figure things out. Along the way, so, but Okay, so you talked about the ages of eight to 18, which I find really interesting because, you know, I feel like when I was younger, and honestly, not until two too long ago, this idea, you know, there was, there was the kid world, and then there was the teen world, right? And team started, like, right at 13, but really like 1415. But then the concept of preteen started coming out, especially in the girl world, right? And so that really started coming about and then we're like, okay, that's like 1112. And now, with social media, that's really come on to the scene over the last while since 2007. Then now we're just we're going back, and we're going back, and we're going back further to where it is, I completely agree. It's that like, eight, nine year old that is being considered this preteen. And they act like it and they have, you know, they have the mentality of it as far as the entitlement sometimes of being able to, you know, be that way. And the ideologies, right? Oh, I'm big now, right? It's, I swear, it's as soon as they get into those fifth grade britches, and they're just like, and I just use the word britches. So let's just point that out for a second. And, but in there, like, I'm the big, you know, big roll on campus type thing, and that it just never goes

Unknown: 00:11:34

away. Yeah, well, I mean, you mentioned social media as part of it, right? Because kids are getting on Tik Tok really early. Yes, a lot more on there than just funny dog videos. So they're getting some messaging that way. So there's there's pressure coming from all different places, right? Teachers, parents, society in general, that they need to get prepared for college for the college admission process. So that's starting younger and younger, I hear parents talking about it when their kids are in preschool. They're always preparing for the next thing. So we're not allowing our kids to be kids anymore. We're always preparing them for something that's coming that's coming. And we're getting away from just

Nellie Harden: 00:12:15

play. Yeah. Yeah, absolutely. So I find that really interesting. So my job in the center of my work is to help prepare kids for adulthood, but not in the way that we, you know, academic wisdom is one kind of wisdom, right? There's so many others. And so, yes, pigeon holing your kid into what do you want to be? Okay, let's set up your fifth grade curriculum to make sure you're on track. I remember when these tracks started in middle and high school, maybe about I, it was probably about 10 years ago that I started hearing this, and I was like, this kiddo is in seventh grade. And they have to be on a certain track towards something. What if they want to jump tracks, like what happens then and they have to make up all this stuff. And so they're really being like, lined up, so to speak, and into this, you know, people mover, you're like, you're going that way, you're going that way, you're going that way. And so people thought we were crazy for not setting up 529 for our kids, because I didn't want to say you have to go to college in order to do this and get whatever degree we want our kids to be able to explore whatever they're going to explore. I know plenty of super successful people that didn't go to college, I know plenty of super successful people that did. And success doesn't equal money either. And so it's it's very interesting to, to hear how education especially and I did a wonderful interview this year earlier on the education system, but how education especially has, has put these kids on people movers from a very early track, and parents are just along for the ride because they're being told when their kids go into kindergarten. So your kid is here now. And by the time they're in third grade, we're going to split them off into talented and gifted or not, or advanced and not and then by fifth grade, they're going to have to choose a track and all of this and it's very and parents are just like okay, okay, okay. Yeah. And it's very overwhelming, not to any fault of the parents, but that's what they're being told. And parenting is overwhelming anyway, right? And so if they're, if someone of authority is sitting there telling them that then that is what they

Unknown: 00:14:33

do. Well, where I live, there's a lot of people that are coming in from other countries. So you know, when they hear those messages, they really think that is the way that's what they have to do or else their kids not going to get into college, not going to be successful. So, you know, for those families, it's even more magnified because they just think that's that's the fact that's how it is. So I'm working to change that. It sounds like you are too so

Nellie Harden: 00:14:59

yes. Absolutely, absolutely. Because I, I want them to be able to play, for example, and so much can be learned through play, right? How you relate to other people, how you build relationships, right? Just having fun and letting your hair down. And understanding that life is not one anxiety after another anxiety after another anxiety, right? There's, there's these tremendous opportunities for play, there's tremendous opportunities to go out and see the beauty of a sunset. That happens every single day, but we miss them most days, right? And so, okay, so I totally am on board with you and agree. So I'm glad that there's someone else to that it really is this like eight to 18 time period. And I think that is, especially for girls. But I also see it in young men as well. That I feel like girls were affected maybe first. And then the young men quickly followed suit afterwards of well, okay, if the girls are doing this, then I guess I need to be doing this, too. And feeling this. And I want to ask your opinion on this. Because if you run into this a lot with the families that you work with, I know when I had my girls, so I had four girls and four years, four and a half years. And twins in the middle. By the time I was pregnant with the fourth, I told, you know, I told people, we were all excited, we're gonna have four. And so the plan was always to have three adopt to, and then God gave us four and then everything just kind of changed and pivoted as life does. But anyway, so I got pregnant with number four. And the first thing people said was, Oh, you just wait until they're all teenagers, you're gonna pull your hair out, you're gonna, your hair is gonna turn white, you're gonna hate it, it's going to be awful. And I quickly shut them down, even when my kids were little, because I didn't want first of all that mentality coming into my, you know, mental atmosphere. And I never wanted them saying that to my kids to give them this permission slip to be a jerk for, you know, eight 910 years of their life. I was like, no, like, they don't have a license to be, you know, Unruh. unresponsible or disrespectful or disobedient and things like that we work together as a team. And I feel like that is very prevalent. I overhear a conversation when I'm at a restaurant or something like that. And oh, how are your kids so and so? And they're like, Ah, they're teenagers. They're awful. But I don't want to talk about them, you know, type thing. And I'm like, Oh, that's so sad to me. Yeah,

Unknown: 00:17:44

there's two sides to it, right? Like not giving your kids permission to do that. But also getting yourself in the mindset. Like, if you're looking for all of that negativity, you're gonna find it. There's exciting stuff about tweens and teens, like there's so much transformation, and so much change. There's a different dynamic between the parent and the child. And if you embrace it, you just begin to see it differently. And you begin to see the excitement instead of the oh my gosh, this is horrible. Is it difficult? Yes, it's difficult. But it is amazing and fascinating to hear how they see the world to see their their opinions forming their values. For me, it's a fascinating time. And that's why I love working with tweens and teens, because they really are still impressionable, even though they've got some sass and some attitude, you know, that's just them relating to the world and, and having their voice be heard. And that that's not a bad thing. That's a good thing.

Nellie Harden: 00:18:44

No, I completely agree. And you want to just be curious about it and ask so. So where did you hear that? You know, what research did you do to form that opinion? You know, I'm just really curious and curiosity is is an antidote to so much frustration in parenting relationships, genuine curiosity, because yes, you are still this, this 6570 which is the first 18 years of their life 6570 days, you are their primary impact and influence in their life. And I tell that to parents, you know, whether you're you do it well or not, or even if you're there or not, you know, my dad passed away when I was one and he is still one of the biggest impacts of my entire childhood. And even he wasn't even there, you know. So, anyway, it really is a time that you can just mold and help them mold right, the first eight years or so, you're building for them, but once they turn this, this corner, you're really building who they're who they are with them. And it's a really beautiful thing to be a part of. You just need to choose to be a part of it.

Unknown: 00:19:56

Right. And I think it's such a privilege to have a front row seat To watch a human blooming and blossoming and figuring out who they are, it really is a privilege. And when we kind of change our mindset around that, then we're like, Well, yeah, I get to do this, I'm not something I'm surviving, you know, you're gonna thrive. But it's all about your mindset. And this and, and I think that with the curiosity, it saved me so many times in parenting that I was able to step back instead of, you know, they're treating me this way, or they're doing this to me, or they're not following my rules that I can get curious. And then it created a connection point instead of a disconnection point. I'll give you a good example. One of my daughters, my daughter, I've three My daughters are 1821 and 23. Now, but one of them came home late after curfew. This is cellphone era, right? It's like, why didn't you just tell me? So instead of jumping all over her as soon as she came in, she, you know, you go through the worry, that concern that something happened, all of that stuff, I got myself together. And I just asked, you know, you're you're a little bit late for curfew, what happened. And I was so glad in those moments that I did that, because most of the time, there was something going on where she was, you know, one in particular, one of my daughters was having issues with her friends, and they were in a big talk about what was going on. And she didn't feel right about pulling out her phone, she didn't feel right about just leaving. So, you know, that allowed me to then talk about that instead of coming at her with anger and consequences. And, you know, we did still have consequences, but they were delivered in a non angry way. You know, Conway, this, you know, next time you get these 30 minutes taken off of your next time you're out. So that curiosity can really keep you calm, and it can give you an insight into a lot of stuff that's going on in your kids lives that they might not tell you otherwise, definitely not if you're coming out and with anger. Exactly. It creates a safe place, right, that they're getting asked questions instead of being berated about thing, right. Yeah. So sitting down, I level with them not standing above them, or, you know, no fingers in the face and all of that, but, but yes, creating that safe place, because they can't be vulnerable until you what's going on?

Nellie Harden: 00:22:14

I mean, nobody can if someone if an adult was sitting there with someone screaming in their face and being, you know, rude or overpowering. You don't feel like, you know, oh, let me bare my soul to you. Right. And so right.

Unknown: 00:22:29

Yeah. Yeah. And that's the extreme Nelly, right, like yelling and anger, and you know, all of that. But sometimes it's a question you asked, that's in a calm way, but it's super judgmental, you know, and it puts them in a defensive, like, why'd you do that? Or where were you? You know, it's the tone and the delivery of questions, sometimes that even if you're trying to be that parent, that's curious, you have to watch your tone, because the judgment can come through. And that will also shut them down.

Nellie Harden: 00:22:59

So much. So I teach a lot on in my communication, part of my coaching, and I, it still blows me away to think that 97% of communication is all about body language and tone, like 97% I mean, I could be speaking caveman, and still get my point across 97% of the way, just with my, you know, tone and body language. And I use that with my kids a lot and, and coach on it. But, you know, someone can come up and be like it, we've all, you know, had someone apologized to us. And for some reason, and there's a huge difference between, I'm really sorry, that was not the best, you know, action of mine or sorry, right? Like, it's a totally different outcome. And you've been the receiver feels different. The deliver is deliver is obviously feeling something different, right? It's all about that tone and body language. So I want to open a little bit of a Pandora's box here, because I think both of us run into this issue with me and you brought up cell phones. We're in the cell phone era, right? And so but parents, today of all of these teens, we generally didn't grow up in the cellphone age or the social media age and all of this and so we're we are learning how to parent kids that are in this in this season. Right along with the kids that are learning how to be in this season, but they're getting it from the get go right? They will never know a life without it. And we do and that brings up some nostalgia for for us as parents I think also some fear. I mean, how many times have you heard an adult say I am so glad that cell phones weren't around when I was a teenager, it days. I mean, it's said every day and but Our teens are growing up with cell phones, and which means everything is recorded. I mean, I don't care what you think about Snapchat, it is all recorded. And so it's really difficult to raise teens when this is supposed to be their full downtime, right? This is supposed to be their learning in their training ground. But while they're doing that, everything is being recorded on video on picture on text. And that can be really dangerous for them, but also really hard to parent. So let's just take a second to compare. So, you know, teen girls today versus teen girls, you know, 20 years ago, which would have been what? What is 20 years ago? I know I'm like, What COVID? Like, erased my time to chronology abilities. So anyway, so yeah, I mean, 2002 That's pretty Zuckerberg. Right? Yeah, it's it. I think I got my first cell phone, maybe in 2002 2003. And it was like the Nokia with the pullout antenna, right? And there was no texting on there whatsoever, or anything? Or if it was, it was like press three, three times press, you know, so not worth it. So we live in a very different time, right? What do you what challenges do you see that our, our girls are facing today that we didn't face and vice versa?

Unknown: 00:26:32

There's a couple of things. With the cell phone and social media, you've probably heard of it. People keep receipts. And what that means is they keep proof of their interactions with people. So they take screenshots of their text messaging back and forth, they take screenshots of pictures, they videotape if they're at a party. So like you were saying, it's not like you just get to go do something, and you're done. There's so much that's recorded. And what teams are doing is they're using those receipts, as they call them in arguments, or if they aren't friends anymore, they'll put on social media or spread it around as a way to kind of bully and to get people on their side of things. So there's that piece of it. The other piece that is really impactful on our kids is that it used to be your social life was not 24/7, you went to school, and then you came home, and you had a break from it. And our brains are wired actually to constantly be scanning and analyzing our social interactions and our social hierarchy even. So in the past, before all of this 24/7 Social media brains got a chance for that part of the brain to just relax, like I'm at home doing nothing, I don't have to worry about how I'm compared to the people in my classroom, I don't have to worry about my parents, they're not around right now, I can just have my time alone. But it's not like that anymore. Because even if your kids are off of social media at nine o'clock at night, when they wake up, there's a whole social world that has gone on without them. And so they have to catch up. So it's just this constant social interaction and social comparison and, and it's, you know, mentally really takes us toll on our kids. But also it takes its toll on literally our brain, the way that the neural networks are forming, and all of that, you know, downtime they're supposed to have, it's just not happening. And what I'm seeing as you're probably seeing this as well, when girls, especially when they go to bed at night, their thoughts swirling, they're spiraling out of control, because they're going through every interaction they had during the day, which used to be contact with someone right now. It's all those physical, you know, pieces when you're in person, and everything that went on in their social media, through texting, and all of that. So that's a lot of training that goes on. And it's hard for them to go to sleep, it's hard for them to let go of the anxiety and stress and worry. So it's really wreaking havoc on their mental health. Yeah,

Nellie Harden: 00:29:12

I completely agree. And I, I see this as when you can't shut off the interaction time, that relationship time even though I mean, let's be honest, it's you're watching, right? It's this voyeuristic, you know, type, type look at somebody else's life. But then you're not having enough time reflecting on yourself thinking about your own feelings and your own thoughts. And it's then been replaced. And so what I'm finding I'm sure you are too, and it's so many times these girls are letting somebody else define something that they find on social or whatever, define who they are. And in this whole society of don't label me don't label me don't label Mi by the way, what's your label? It is so frustrating as a parent, and as a kid, even more so as a kid and confusing, because they're like, Oh, well, I didn't spend any time today, you know. And it's not like when I was a teenager, I was like, from five to 530. I'm reflecting on my own identity. That is not how it was. But I did have time when I was laying there in bed at night, I was thinking about, Oh, this interaction, how did I feel about that? Oh, I don't know, it was a lot about, you know, my own feelings. And I had time to figure those out. But there's no time to figure those out anymore. And as a result, we're letting somebody else figure them out somebody else that doesn't even know us. Somebody else that has never even met us most of the time. They just have such an such amount of followers. They're an influencer. Therefore, they must be right about me because they said this one thing. And one of my kids not too long ago, and I did a podcast on this too. There's this danger of these online quizzes, right? And one of my kids, she came up and she was so upset a while ago, and she said, I'm clinically depressed. And I was like, what I was like, What are you talking about? And she was like, Well, I took this quiz. And it's, you know, they had me hold up five fingers. And if all five were down, then I was clinically depressed. And so then she was playing the role of being clinically depressed, right? Yeah, I was like, Girl, what are these questions? She's like, are you ever not happy with your body? And I was like, Girl, like, there's no women in the history of women that has never not once been upset with their body in some way. Right? And she has a beautiful body. And number two, are you ever sad? Like, what kind of like, quizzes this completely like? And another one was? Are you ever upset with anyone in your family? And so at that, I cut it out. I was like, these are completely ridiculous questions, you are not clinically depressed, you know. And we, of course, talked through each one and all of this, but it really affected her for a moment. Like she took this stupid quiz on YouTube. It wasn't she doesn't even have social media. She was just she loves to watch birthing videos of farm animals. I'm like, great. Maybe you'll be a vet? I don't know. But in one of the ads it was this stupid. Are you clinically depressed? AD? And I was like, and of course it was an ad for, you know, some drug or something? I'm sure. Yeah. I was just so frustrated. And that's not the only time that that's happened. It's happened in different things. So yeah, it's it's a very big challenge for our kids today and helping them be able to put the healthy boundaries up. Right,

Unknown: 00:32:46

right. Well, before when we were growing up, who did we compare ourselves to? The people that were in our classes, maybe in our extracurriculars? Maybe a movie star two, or sometimes team? Magazine? Yeah, yeah. But now they're comparing themselves to so many people through Instagram, and Snapchat, and all of that, and tick tock now, it's not just who are you interacting with, it's like the whole world now is at their fingertips. And that's exhausting to compare yourself to millions of people. So exhausting.

Nellie Harden: 00:33:18

And then you hear some of these things. And I was, I was talking with somebody the other day, and they spent over an hour trying to perfect this 15 Second tic toc thing, which of course, you look at that. And you're like, they're so good, right? They're so perfect. They look so good. They're doing all the right moves, and whatever. And I was like, they wasted an hour of their lives trying to perfect this thing. So they can have 15 seconds out there. And that was and they were frustrated by it, too. They're like, Oh, this took me an over an hour to do. And I'm like, Why? Why? Who told you that? You had to do that.

Unknown: 00:33:56

But let's get real. Like, even when you and I were entrepreneurs, right? And you probably run into it sometimes where you started seeing everybody else's business and what they're doing, and there's moments where it's like, I'm not doing that, or they're doing it better than me, or why am I? Why don't I look like that? Or why is my studio not set up like that? You know, there's just all these things that if we weren't in the online world, we wouldn't even see them, we would just be focused on how can I do better? Instead of how can I do better than that person?

Nellie Harden: 00:34:26

Right? And as entrepreneurs, we're marketing our ourselves definitely, but also our businesses, but our kids are marketing just them, right. I mean, it's all a marketing game, and I have never felt good about marketing. I will be completely honest about that. I just, I It's not a game I like to play. And as a business owner, it it's kicked me a few times, but it's just like, oh, yeah, I'm not the one that's getting out and doing the, you know, shaky, shaky and all the things you know, and

Unknown: 00:34:59

I'm 90 I saw one today. I'm like, I know that person that is not their personality. Yes, yes,

Nellie Harden: 00:35:05

I know some of these people too. And like, personally, and I'm like, I know, they turned off the camera and they're like, Ah, thank goodness, you know, that's so sad to me, because that takes so much energy to do and so much, especially if you're an introvert to be placed yourself in an extroverted spot and everything, but yes, I totally agree. So let's flip the coin a little bit to parenting of this generation now, right? I think parents when I was a teenager, it was just go out and don't get killed in you know, a car accident, make good choices. And, and that was really it. But today, the emotional and mental game is so exponentiated to what it was when I was a teenager. And that's a playground that a lot of parents don't feel comfortable playing in, or, or delving into with their kids, because we weren't taught to, you know, when we were teens, we weren't taught that that was a really high importance, right and right. But today, it is critical, much more than anything else that they have, well, mental wellness, right, and they feel confident and that they feel worthy. And because they're just getting so attacked by so many different sides all the time, sometimes self inflicted, from my, my thoughts, seeing all of these things out in the world, but also just the world in general and everything coming at them. So I think parenting today, I mean, not to take away from I never think parenting is easy. So I'll just put that out there. I never think it's easy. I don't think it's ever been easy, since you know, the dawn of time. But I do think that today, the complexities of the mental and emotional game, make it a much stickier and trickier business than it used to be.

Unknown: 00:37:08

Yes, there's, there's good and bad happening right now. Because we have the cell phones, we're more connected with our kids. But it also gets us more enmeshed in their lives. And so we have to be careful when we're supporting our kids that we don't get in meshed. And that we're not over involved, but that we are supportive, and that we are in involved, not intrusive. And I think that that sometimes is what happens with parents now. Because there's such a connection through the cell phone really you no matter where you are, your parents can get in touch with you, that does cause some issues with and measurements. And then when there's a true and measurement going on, the parents get super emotionally drained, because it's almost like they're walking that walk with the kids are on the same journey. And we have to take care of ourselves separately from our kids and support them from a calm, compassionate and loving place. But we can't jump into the waters with them. Like to think of it like a rushing river, right? We need to be the rock that's always there, the water is gonna come up, sometimes it's gonna go down sometimes. But we can't jump into the river with our kids, because we're gonna just be taken down with them. That's not what they need from us. Yes, yes.

Nellie Harden: 00:38:25

And it's so funny. You bring up a water type analogy. So like, I'm writing my first book right now. And in the introduction, I really do talk about like a 6570 foot ropes 6570 foot rope and you're standing on shore. And you are they have the other end, but they're in a boat out there. Right. And so some days, you let a lot out some days, you have to take some back in some day, you know, but you're teaching them during this eight to 18 period. Right? You you built the boat on the on the shore, you know when they were zero to eight, but then you put it in the water. And now we're testing out all these things. And we're working in guiding them. But yes, it's very important that the parent needs to be a stable, safe place to go to in order because so much change is happening in in this child's life right now. Wow. Well, I think we could go on for at least another five hours. For sure. So you mentioned a tiny bit about the the teenage girl brain a little bit. And is there anything else you could tell us? You know quickly about that? I know it's not a quick subject by any means. But I do find it so fascinating. neurophysiology is in psychology, or just very fascinating to me in general, but the development of all of these different areas of the brain and where they're at during this teen process, you know, where emotional intelligence is out for a 16 year old is much different than where it's at for an adult, hopefully, and so Oh, Gene, can you just tell us a couple quick things about that?

Unknown: 00:40:05

Yeah, so one of the things that I would, you know, think would be helpful for parents to know is the way that memories are stored in a girl's brain are very different than how they're stored in a boy's brain. Or women, females in general, you know, not everyone, but this is, you know, typically, women tend to store their memories, along with the emotions, and along with the words, and men tend to store their memories as memories. Like, here's what happened, right? But for for me, I might be like, you know, with the birth of my child, here's what happened. And I cried, and I can like, feel that feeling again, right. And that's why if I'm talking about a story, I might get teary eyed, because that's all coming back to me. So for our girls, you know, you hear a lot about girls hold grudges. And it's because we're wired differently. It's the emotions that stick with us. And those memories. We're not just remembering somebody talking behind her back, or remembering all the feelings that went with it. So I think that's super important for us to remember when we're parenting our teen girls, that it's real, the emotions are big, and they're there to stay for a while.

Nellie Harden: 00:41:18

I think that's so true. And I mean, let's be honest, everyone listening, you know, you and your spouse, you're like, Yeah, that's the way it is. That is the way it is. When my husband recalls something, he's like, yep, this happened. It's like a tax document, you know? And I'm like, Yeah, but then, you know, I'm a big crier, I cry at everything. And so, and I'm, I feel a lot of things that other people feel too. So. Example. Such an example. So I'm watching the Amazing Race, right? We know some people that are on there, and they like do something, I'm crying. The whole family's looking at me, they're like, what? And I was like, I don't know, I'm just so proud of them. And look, they can they, you know, did so much. And anyway, it's just kind of funny, and but they all think I'm crazy, especially my husband.

Unknown: 00:42:11

I still relate to that I my kids teasing me because I was crying when I was watching the Wife Swap. Like really mom. Or I cry when somebody in the NFL like, makes the field goal. Like

Nellie Harden: 00:42:25

I know you can really feel that I'm right there with you. Yeah, we can we can go through a box of tissues some time. Yes. So Well, thank you so much for being here. Can you tell our people where we can find you real quick?

Unknown: 00:42:38

Definitely, they can find me at TYT seattle.com. Even though Seattle, I've worked with people all over the place. And I actually have a download for you. That is about speaking your teens love languages, because you know how you try to go to hug them and they roll their eyes or they act like you're bothering them so much. We got to kind of adjust how we're telling them that we'd love them. So yes, yes. Awesome. Well, thank

Nellie Harden: 00:43:02

you so much. And we will definitely get all of that in the show notes. But thank you so much for being here. I love just resonating with people that are out there making a difference in the in the same way that I am. And I just hope that we can rock the world of families and teens and really get them embracing one another as a family unit and preparing them with confidence, wisdom, respect, and all the good stuff for adulthood. So thank you for being here.

Unknown: 00:43:31

Thank you. All right, everyone. Thank