The Power of Touch In Parenting
There are “touchy” people and “non-touchy” people, but the fact is physical contact is important in the human experience, and diving in and getting curious about how we feel about touch is important. So often the aversions are from childhood traumas and dramas and exploring the emotional healing is just as important, and probably more so than the physical healing.
This week we dive into all the ways you can use touch as a parent to help convey your love, understanding, and support even during the hard conversations.
About the Host:
Nellie Harden is a wife of 20+ years, mom to 4 teen/tween daughters, dreamer, adventurer, servant, multipreneur, forever student, and a devoted teacher, but her ride-or-die passion is her work as a Family Life Coach & Mentor.
Coming from a career background in marine mammal sciences, behavioral work, and a host of big life experiences, both great and not some not so great, she decided that designing a life of purpose and freedom was how she and her husband, along with their 4 daughters, wanted to live.
Her work and passions exist in the realms of family and parent mentorship because she believes that a family filled with creativity, fun, laughter, challenge, adventure, problem-solving, hugs, good food, and learning can not only change a person’s life but is the best chance at positively changing the world.
She helps families build Self-Led Discipline™ & Leadership Into their homes, sets their children up for a wildly successful life on their terms, and elevates the family experience with big joy, palpable peace, and everyday growth!
With a lifelong passion and curiosity in thought, choice, behavior, and growth she has found incredible joy in helping families shift perspective, find answers, and a path forward.
(Nellie has been coaching families for over 10 years and has degrees in Biology, Animal Behavior and Psychology. )
LINKS:
Family Success Vault- https://www.nellieharden.com/vault
Website- https://www.nellieharden.com
Online Community- https://www.facebook.com/groups/the6570project
Instagram- https://www.instagram.com/nellieharden/
Facebook- https://www.facebook.com/nellie.harden/
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Transcript
Hello and welcome to the 6570 family project
Nellie Harden:podcast. If you are a parent of a tween teen or somewhere on the
Nellie Harden:way, this is exactly the place for you. This is the playground
Nellie Harden:for parents who want to raise their kids with intention,
Nellie Harden:strength and joy. Come and hear all the discussions, get all the
Nellie Harden:tactics and have lots of laughs along the way. We will dive into
Nellie Harden:the real challenges and raising kids today how to show up as
Nellie Harden:parents and teach your kids how to show up as members of the
Nellie Harden:family and individuals of the world. My name is Mellie Hardin,
Nellie Harden:big city girl turn small town sipping iced tea on the front
Nellie Harden:porch mama, who loves igniting transformation in the hearts and
Nellie Harden:minds of families by helping them build self love, discipline
Nellie Harden:and leadership that elevate the family experience, and sets the
Nellie Harden:kids up with a rock solid foundation, they can launch
Nellie Harden:their life on all before they ever leave home. This is the
Nellie Harden:6570 family project. Let's go Hello, everyone. Welcome to
Nellie Harden:another episode of the 6570 family project podcast where we
Nellie Harden:are putting aside the power struggles and finding the path
Nellie Harden:to lead our young women toward the confidence, respect and
Nellie Harden:wisdom that they need to prepare themselves for the world out
Nellie Harden:there. You guys, we are getting so close to our 50th episode.
Nellie Harden:I'm very, very excited about this. This is episode 42. I
Nellie Harden:can't believe that we have made it this far. And had so many
Nellie Harden:amazing talks covered so many great topics, and had so many
Nellie Harden:amazing guests. And we still have so much further to go in
Nellie Harden:season one. So today I want to talk to you about touch the
Nellie Harden:power of touch. And you're like why? Why is this even a topic?
Nellie Harden:Oh, it is so in depth you guys, I can't wait to dive into this
Nellie Harden:with you. I mean, think about it. The history of touch I mean
Nellie Harden:a handshake, even right greeting somebody, all the different
Nellie Harden:kinds of handshakes, that there are different cultures,
Nellie Harden:different communities, a handshake a hug, right? That
Nellie Harden:first time that you see or feel your child you embrace them,
Nellie Harden:when they are we little right? It's not that they are born or
Nellie Harden:they are given to you in adoption, and you just let them
Nellie Harden:sit over there. Right? You embrace them. It is that
Nellie Harden:physical touch, it is so important there is that kangaroo
Nellie Harden:care even for NICU babies, right, that shows what touch
Nellie Harden:does. And we'll get into some of those physiological effects in
Nellie Harden:just a few minutes. But babies crave touch. When ever we are
Nellie Harden:having some time in our home where there's some turbulence or
Nellie Harden:something needs to be addressed. Or there's some heavy subjects
Nellie Harden:happening in the world or family. You know, we get into a
Nellie Harden:circle and we are sharing we share with each other, we might
Nellie Harden:hold hands, we might just be close to one another. But
Nellie Harden:there's that touch piece that is in there. In religion and faith.
Nellie Harden:I've been in part of so many prayers where people are laying
Nellie Harden:it's called the laying of hands, right? You're laying hands on
Nellie Harden:people, there's someone in the middle, and you are laying a
Nellie Harden:group of people around them or laying or just one person laying
Nellie Harden:hands on them to have that energy. I actually tried out a
Nellie Harden:new church
Nellie Harden:just a couple of weeks ago, and we went in and it was we were
Nellie Harden:out of town. So we were just visiting a new church while we
Nellie Harden:were out of town. And the woman at the new guest booth or
Nellie Harden:whatever asked if we had any prayers and I had lost my voice.
Nellie Harden:I'm still a little croaky from that. But that's okay. I had
Nellie Harden:lost my voice. And so she immediately she put one hand on
Nellie Harden:my back one hand on my upper chest and just started praying
Nellie Harden:over me. It was that touch and it just meant so much and you've
Nellie Harden:got to get through the uncomfortable barrier because,
Nellie Harden:you know, a stranger coming up to you and getting in your
Nellie Harden:personal space. But it was also such a beautiful, tender and
Nellie Harden:loving thing that she was doing and praying over me for my voice
Nellie Harden:and so and then you think about things like Reiki right? Reiki
Nellie Harden:is if you've never heard about it, it is an energy healing
Nellie Harden:technique that actually promotes relaxation, reduces stress and
Nellie Harden:anxiety through yes touch Reiki practitioners, they actually use
Nellie Harden:their hands to deliver energy into the body and improves flow
Nellie Harden:and balance of energies in support and healing. So my point
Nellie Harden:is in all these different arenas All these different cultures,
Nellie Harden:all these different ideas, faiths and and practices, touch
Nellie Harden:is so important. I know that when I am having a an in depth
Nellie Harden:conversation, usually a hard discussion with one of my girls,
Nellie Harden:then we do need a knee conversations, that is both of
Nellie Harden:us on the floor on a bed, but usually on the floor a little
Nellie Harden:bit more stable. And we're crisscross applesauce, right,
Nellie Harden:our knees are folded and our knees are touching, it's a knee
Nellie Harden:to knee conversation. So this can happen a lot of times if
Nellie Harden:there is
Nellie Harden:some issue some friction that is between you and your daughter,
Nellie Harden:you and your child. And you're like, Okay, well, we just need
Nellie Harden:to get close enough that we are need a knee, I want you to see
Nellie Harden:that I am looking at you. And then I'm looking in your eyes
Nellie Harden:and that I am being completely truth in trust right now. Right.
Nellie Harden:And so knee to knee conversations. Sometimes after a
Nellie Harden:little while, I'll just put my hands out and like an upward,
Nellie Harden:my, my palms upward and more of a surrender, motion and slowly
Nellie Harden:but surely a hand, like it'll touch fingers and then a handle
Nellie Harden:go. And hopefully by the end of the conversation, we're also
Nellie Harden:holding hands as well as needed me and looking at one another.
Nellie Harden:And we're healing through that process. So much of that healing
Nellie Harden:comes through touch. Eye contact, we already talked,
Nellie Harden:talked about hand holding. I mean, think about couples, when
Nellie Harden:they're just starting out, right? You're holding hands, it
Nellie Harden:is that touch, it's so important. cuddles with your
Nellie Harden:kids. And humans are just built for physical interaction. Now,
Nellie Harden:that being said, I want to be very respectful and cognizant of
Nellie Harden:those people out there that are not, you know, quote unquote,
Nellie Harden:touchy people, right? Or maybe you have a child that just does
Nellie Harden:not want like to be touched does not want to be touched. Now
Nellie Harden:there is clinical there is autism spectrum, right, that has
Nellie Harden:a sensory issues and things. And that is that is one category.
Nellie Harden:And I'm not touching on that today. I'm just talking about
Nellie Harden:the emotional side of I don't like to be touched. I don't want
Nellie Harden:to be touched on I like to be touched, right? And those can
Nellie Harden:those lines between sensory issues and the emotional issues
Nellie Harden:can certainly be blurred and something worth being curious
Nellie Harden:about. But that is what we need to do. We need to be curious
Nellie Harden:about that. If someone says me, I'm not Teddy touchy person. I
Nellie Harden:don't really like that. And just be curious of why if that is you
Nellie Harden:be curious of why? Why am I not that way? Just speaking in here,
Nellie Harden:it reminded me of Oh, the engagement or the proposal,
Nellie Harden:right? Such a funny movie. I love it. Sandra Bullock, Ryan
Nellie Harden:Reynolds, the proposal and she in the beginning, she's like,
Nellie Harden:not a techy person, don't touch me. I don't like it. I'm not a
Nellie Harden:techy person, I think and she, of course, is a touchy person.
Nellie Harden:And yes, this is Hollywood. But this is my point she had a lot
Nellie Harden:of that character had a lot of built up tension, anxiety,
Nellie Harden:emotional walls, etc. So be curious about that. Right. And
Nellie Harden:also, if you can be touchy with one person, but not another,
Nellie Harden:maybe with one child more than another, or maybe you can hug
Nellie Harden:one friend, but you can't hug another, you know, type of
Nellie Harden:thing. That's another thing to be curious about. And it is most
Nellie Harden:likely most likely due to trauma or drama, or both in your
Nellie Harden:childhood. And if we're talking about our children, it is
Nellie Harden:obviously within their childhood. If we're talking
Nellie Harden:about parents, then it is in our childhood, usually as well. Not
Nellie Harden:always, but many, many times. And this is a place to work
Nellie Harden:through. I have been there. I have completely been there with
Nellie Harden:trauma and drama in my past and it made me extremely sensitive
Nellie Harden:to touch. I mean, any kind of touch from any other adult not
Nellie Harden:my kids necessarily but any other adult I was extremely
Nellie Harden:sensitive to tapping on my shoulder and arm like a hand on
Nellie Harden:my elbow. Just anything I was extremely like my anxiety. My
Nellie Harden:heart rate went sky high as soon as somebody touched me so know
Nellie Harden:that I'm coming out of a place of understanding and
Nellie Harden:commiseration here when I'm talking about this and I get it
Nellie Harden:I get you. But I also know the road to recovery and healing
Nellie Harden:through touch is very, very important. And no one wants to
Nellie Harden:leave that alone. In the life of always being on edge, always
Nellie Harden:having that anxiety, and also being alone and not being able
Nellie Harden:to have all the benefits of that touch as well. It's one of the
Nellie Harden:most important areas to heal. And remember, humans are
Nellie Harden:communal species, we are not meant to be alone, our brains
Nellie Harden:are literally wired to crave interaction, even if there's
Nellie Harden:this thick blanket of trauma on top of it, we need to work
Nellie Harden:through that in order to get to our root needs and wants. So
Nellie Harden:when you walk into, you know, your child comes home, and
Nellie Harden:they're all wound up, and they don't want to be touched. And I
Nellie Harden:encourage you to just start somewhere. So it's, you know,
Nellie Harden:sit at the end of their bed, or sit on the end of the couch and
Nellie Harden:just touch their foot. Right. And it sounds weird, it might
Nellie Harden:sound gross, you know, whatever. But it is that inkling of a
Nellie Harden:touch, right? Just touch, maybe you're not even that far, just
Nellie Harden:get close, so that they can feel your presence, work toward that
Nellie Harden:touch, right? Somewhere, just touch you know, somewhere a hand
Nellie Harden:of foot, just their back their shoulder, somewhere where it's
Nellie Harden:okay for them, and ask if it's okay for them, especially if
Nellie Harden:they have touch issues, right, and then move forward with
Nellie Harden:respect and intention and caution with that. But starting
Nellie Harden:the healing process with touch, as a as a person and knowing
Nellie Harden:that I this is something I need to work on. And also as a
Nellie Harden:parent, knowing that this is something you want your child to
Nellie Harden:be able to work on, because you don't want your child going
Nellie Harden:through life. And just telling everybody don't touch me, don't
Nellie Harden:touch me, that's an anxiety field. That is not good for
Nellie Harden:anyone, certainly not for them. And certainly not for the people
Nellie Harden:that are around them either. And you want them to experience life
Nellie Harden:to the fullest at their best selves. And that's going to
Nellie Harden:include people touching them, sometimes a hug, a handshake, a,
Nellie Harden:you know, pat on the back, and even more in relationships down
Nellie Harden:the line. So psychologically, I wanted to I'm sorry,
Nellie Harden:physiologically, I wanted to get into this a little bit to about
Nellie Harden:what touch does. So it activates the body's vagus nerve. So you
Nellie Harden:guys know, if you've been listening to me for all these 42
Nellie Harden:episodes, or even a handful of them. I am a psychology and
Nellie Harden:biology nerd. So I love it all. Okay, so touch activates the
Nellie Harden:body's vagus nerve, which is intimately connected with our
Nellie Harden:compassionate response. All right, I want to read that
Nellie Harden:again. And or say that again, because it's so important. Touch
Nellie Harden:activates the body's vagus nerve, which is intimately
Nellie Harden:connected with our compassionate response. Okay, so the vagus
Nellie Harden:nerve, it's a pair of nerves that actually goes from the
Nellie Harden:brain to the belly, that goes along the heart as well. So it
Nellie Harden:passes all these vital systems in your body that are
Nellie Harden:intricately laced with nerves. And research has shown that it
Nellie Harden:takes eight to 10 meaningful touches a day to maintain
Nellie Harden:physical and emotional health. So is your child getting that
Nellie Harden:eight to 10 meaningful touches a day? And studies show that touch
Nellie Harden:signals or touches signals, safety and trust and it soothes
Nellie Harden:right? It goes right back to our, our ancestral, our very
Nellie Harden:basic needs of being a child that being cared for being able
Nellie Harden:to be in someone's trusted arms. Okay. And then hugging we're,
Nellie Harden:you know, we've been accused of being the hardened huggers
Nellie Harden:before so especially my husband and my husband is a big, like a
Nellie Harden:big hugger, like a big big hugger. And so much so that I
Nellie Harden:love hugging too. But sometimes if we go up to people, and my
Nellie Harden:husband envelops them in this big hug, I'm like, Well, I can't
Nellie Harden:suffocate them with my hugs. So I'm just gonna let them off the
Nellie Harden:hook this time. But yeah, so hugging is another form. And
Nellie Harden:it's, of course, it's noncentral. It's between
Nellie Harden:friends. It's between lots of people, colleagues, when you go
Nellie Harden:to meet someone for the first time, sometimes depending on the
Nellie Harden:circumstance, right? So hugging causes our brains to release
Nellie Harden:oxytocin. Oxytocin is the bonding hormone you guys. So
Nellie Harden:hugging, which is a physical bond creates oxytocin, which is
Nellie Harden:a chemical bond to create an emotional bond, okay, physical
Nellie Harden:bond, chemical bond, emotional bond, and this stimulates the
Nellie Harden:release of other are great feel good hormones like dopamine and
Nellie Harden:serotonin and reduces those stress hormones like cortisol
Nellie Harden:and norepinephrine. So when we are hugging when we hug our
Nellie Harden:child, they're coming home, they're frazzled, they have the
Nellie Harden:teen and tween, you know, crazy, Storm stormy brain going on,
Nellie Harden:they don't know which way is up. If they can be hugged, it can
Nellie Harden:bring down those stress hormones bring up the good hormones, and
Nellie Harden:they can start to see and settle the dust dust storm that's
Nellie Harden:inside of their head. But if they're not ready for that, we
Nellie Harden:need to move in that direction. Again, just with some sort of
Nellie Harden:touch, a little bit of touch, you know, rubbing, rubbing a
Nellie Harden:foot, rubbing a hand on something on you know, their
Nellie Harden:shoulder, whatever that is, but helping them understand that
Nellie Harden:touch from you is safe touch from you is good, and that they
Nellie Harden:are in a safe and loving place. And then we can start to
Nellie Harden:literally change their brain chemistry with that touch.
Nellie Harden:Lastly, I told you guys I was a I was a biology psychology nerd.
Nellie Harden:Met some of you might know, I'm also a quantum quantum physics
Nellie Harden:nerd. I just love science, I love all the sciences, I can sit
Nellie Harden:and talk science all day, we had people over to the house last
Nellie Harden:night. And we went from talking quantum physics to relativity
Nellie Harden:and Cosmos and emotional, physiological health, to talking
Nellie Harden:about, you know, flowers and biology and everything. So I can
Nellie Harden:talk all day when it comes to sciences Love it, love it love
Nellie Harden:it, it is the root cause and the manifestation of it. That's
Nellie Harden:what, that's what it is. So anyway, talking at the atomic
Nellie Harden:level, okay, I'll only spend a minute here don't don't get
Nellie Harden:uncomfortable. Talking at the atomic level, there is atomic
Nellie Harden:evidence of what happens, the energy shifts the electrons,
Nellie Harden:zooming across all of these protons and neutrons and our
Nellie Harden:atoms, and how they are literally sharing energies and
Nellie Harden:bouncing around, right. Being in a space, there's a great book, I
Nellie Harden:think I've brought it up before called the Mingo shaped space.
Nellie Harden:And it's about synesthesia, and the different ways that that
Nellie Harden:manifests in people's bodies, and it's just really fun to say
Nellie Harden:synesthesia, right? And but this this young girl, she didn't know
Nellie Harden:what was going on. She was a teenage young girl. And she,
Nellie Harden:when someone clapped, she would see a color when someone was
Nellie Harden:somewhere and they got up to leave, they would leave like a
Nellie Harden:color imprint where they weren't. And this is this is
Nellie Harden:real, like Google it. This, this happens to people and it's all
Nellie Harden:about these energy traces. And some people are more sensitive
Nellie Harden:to it than others but and mango shaped space. You know what, I'm
Nellie Harden:not gonna give away the book, because I hope that you go read
Nellie Harden:it. And it's it's not. It's a book for teens and tweens,
Nellie Harden:young, young women and young men. And so I just read it, it's
Nellie Harden:so good. It's very heartfelt So, but when I was talking the other
Nellie Harden:day about I was in an interview talking about being in shared
Nellie Harden:spaces, with your kids and being able to traverse into their
Nellie Harden:room, which sometimes can have this emotional, sometimes
Nellie Harden:physical wall in front of it.
Nellie Harden:Going into their room and being your your child being able to
Nellie Harden:see that their room is a safe place where love exists between
Nellie Harden:parent and child, and where they're accepted and loved. And
Nellie Harden:I said love can leave a shadow of an imprint in a space. And it
Nellie Harden:just, it kind of took us aback and took us down a conversation
Nellie Harden:when we were in that when I was speaking there. But keep that in
Nellie Harden:mind. Love can leave a shadow of an imprint in a space, and the
Nellie Harden:love that you share with your child through touch and through
Nellie Harden:being with one another. And those conversations, those need
Nellie Harden:any conversations, right? It leaves an imprint there and it
Nellie Harden:could be felt later on. So I hope today brought you a little
Nellie Harden:closer. Maybe you'll go and look and look and feel about touch a
Nellie Harden:little differently than you have before. But when it comes to the
Nellie Harden:parent child bond especially and when it comes to raising our
Nellie Harden:teens and tweens to understand the power of touch, it really is
Nellie Harden:important to not close the door on this and just say oh, they
Nellie Harden:don't like to be touched. And so we're just going to leave it the
Nellie Harden:way it is. It's important to explore that And if you do have
Nellie Harden:a child that is somewhere on, you know, that beautiful
Nellie Harden:spectrum of autism or what have you, and they have sensory
Nellie Harden:issues. And I know one of my children definitely has sensory
Nellie Harden:issues that we dealt with a lot when she was younger. Dealing
Nellie Harden:with that and working with any therapist or anything that you
Nellie Harden:have that as onboard as third party, help in your in your
Nellie Harden:case, then I really encourage you to work on touch and just
Nellie Harden:little by little intention, love, grace, forgiveness,
Nellie Harden:patience, work on the touch, it is so worth it. Okay, you guys,
Nellie Harden:I hope you learned a little something today. Got a little
Nellie Harden:something out of today. And we're going to be back next week
Nellie Harden:with another episode. Keep teaching, keep laughing keep
Nellie Harden:loving you guys, this is our 6570 parenthood childhood
Nellie Harden:journey and they need you. Alright, I'll see you next week.
Nellie Harden:Thank you so much for listening today. And I hope you were able
Nellie Harden:to take something from our discussion that you can use to
Nellie Harden:build the foundation of self love leadership in your own
Nellie Harden:family. If you are a parent with children, 17 or younger, and
Nellie Harden:especially those around nine and up, I would love to extend an
Nellie Harden:invitation to you to the best club in town. The family
Nellie Harden:architects Club is a private club where intentional parents
Nellie Harden:go that want to love support, connect or reconnect and really
Nellie Harden:truly help guide their kids and teach them how to self leave in
Nellie Harden:discipline and leadership. This is an online community and the
Nellie Harden:you are welcome to it. Parenting is a project and you are the
Nellie Harden:architect of this one. You plan you design and oversee the
Nellie Harden:construction of the beginning of someone else's life. And that's
Nellie Harden:what goes into these first 6570 days. And it will be the
Nellie Harden:foundation for the rest of their lives. So come join the club.
Nellie Harden:You can find your invitation on the front page of my website
Nellie Harden:Nelly hardin.com. That is N E ll ie H AR d e n.com. Thank you
Nellie Harden:again for being a part of this conversation today. And if
Nellie Harden:something really resonated with you, or if you have a question,
Nellie Harden:please don't hesitate to connect with me. You can find me on
Nellie Harden:Instagram at Nelly Hardin. And lastly, if you love the
Nellie Harden:information, please please leave a five star review and a comment
Nellie Harden:so more and more families can be impacted by harnessing the
Nellie Harden:strength of these ideas and tools in their own families. So
Nellie Harden:thank you so much. Happy building you guys and I'll see
