Being, and Raising, A Leader with Vulnerability and Integrity During Family Challenges- Holiday Edition

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Hello and welcome to the 6570 family project

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podcast. If you are a parent of a tween teen or somewhere on the

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way, this is exactly the place for you. This is the playground

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for parents who want to raise their kids with intention,

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strength and joy. Come in here all the discussions, get all the

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tactics and have lots of laughs along the way. We will dive into

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the real challenges in raising kids today how to show up as

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parents and teach your kids how to show up as members of the

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family and individuals of the world. My name is Mellie Hardin,

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big city girl turn small town sipping iced tea on the front

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porch mama, who loves igniting transformation in the hearts and

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minds of families by helping them build self love, discipline

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and leadership that elevates the family experience. And sets the

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kids up with a rock solid foundation, they can launch

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their life on all before they ever leave home. This is the

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6570 family project. Let's go.

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Hello, everyone. Welcome to another episode of the 6570

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family project, where parents are seen as family architects

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building the beginning of someone else's future that

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someone else is our kids. And guess what you guys they are

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always watching us. And in today's episode, since it is

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this time of year, no matter when you are listening to this,

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this is always going to be a factor. But this is being

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recorded around the holidays. And you and I both know that the

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holidays are wonderful. They're amazing. And it's the great some

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of the greatest time of year. And it can also be some of the

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most stressful time of year because of all of those family

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gatherings, friend gatherings, the expectations right to do all

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the things all at once. And keep a smile on your face the whole

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time and be in holiday mode, right. And so I wanted to kind

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of, if you're listening to this, when I first come when it first

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comes out, then this is the last podcast of 2021 coming out, I

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can't believe it's almost 2022. That's crazy to me. But you'll

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also be listening to this probably on the tail end of some

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crazy family get togethers. And if you're nodding your head

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right now, I totally get you. So when you go to a family

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gathering, there is the complaining, the gossiping, the

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talking behind the back the frustrations that are not

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addressed, right? This can be happening in all corners of the

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room. And this is friends or family right? All corners of the

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room. And then definitely in the car ride going home. Right? All

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the things. And it's so easy to fall into this trap. You guys it

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is so easy when someone comes up and they're like, Did you hear

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what our cousin Joey was doing? Did you hear what this? And

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you're like no what you know, and then you're like, oh, yeah,

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and it's just so easy to fall into that trap. And I we can

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catch ourselves. And then I realized I need to do some

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repair work, right? Especially if my kids over hurted or what

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have you. And it's some things that always come to mind are you

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know what? I shouldn't say that they're doing the best they can,

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right? Or they're just doing what they know. They're doing

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their best they're doing what they know. How about this one,

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you know what, it's not my life, I don't need to step into that

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right? Or God created, created them with love to write all of

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the things. And these are things we need to remind ourselves of

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sometimes and stop ourselves in the tracks. But really showing

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our kids how to deal with this family turmoil through our own

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family turmoil. And again, I keep saying family, but it could

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be family and friends whatever is really important and showing

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up in that vulnerability and integrity. So what do I mean by

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this? Well, how we help heal ourselves and help heal others

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is through one thing and one thing only, just like with

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parenting, it's through all of those courageous conversations,

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right? The conversation has to come first the action comes

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after that. And then we have healing and reparations and

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everything after that, right. But there's really four areas or

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four groups of people that if you are going to a party get

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together, etc. Fill in the blank, there's going to and

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maybe there's some some things that have been swept under the

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rug before maybe there's some pent up frustrations, maybe

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there's some questions about things. There's really four

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areas of people then that you're dealing with and that is willing

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and able, willing and unable, unwilling, unable and unwilling

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and unable. So let me walk through each one of these and

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what that might look like with each one because you're like,

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that was a lot of words knowing I get you. So number one is the

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willing and able group. Now, this is a great group, maybe you

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have some issues with your mother in law, Sister in law,

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mother, brother, you know, sister, whatever the aunt

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Phyllis, or what have you. And so maybe you have some issues

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there. And maybe they are willing and able to talk to

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like, sit down and talk to you about those things. And this is

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the most ideal, obviously, when someone is willing to have a

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conversation with you, that means that they're open to it.

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Hopefully, it's not just a passive aggressive, and you

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know, them sitting there with pursed lips and crossed arms, I

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would definitely put that into more the unwilling category,

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which we'll get to in a minute, but I'm talking about really

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willing and really able to sit down and actually have a

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conversation and go over, you know, what happened,

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where the, you know, disconnection is, and if an

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apology is in order from one or both of you, then you go ahead

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and do that, right? And what does an actual apology look

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like? I talk about this with my families a lot. But it's

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important for these apologies to be demonstrated outside of your

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immediate family to so they can see your kids can see even more.

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And I'm not saying that your kids need to be in the room

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taking notes. As I'm watching this. That's not what I'm saying

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at all. But there will be a conversation after this. I'm

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sure like, just so you guys know, you know, Uncle Bob, and I

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sat down and we talked through this and you know, we we met

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some resolve. And so things are better now and what have you so

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it can be conversation later. But what does a real apology

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look like? Well, I have I use and created the acro method. And

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that is there wasn't action at some point, right? And then

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there was a natural consequence to that action. One of you isn't

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happy something happened, what have you, then there's

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repentance and then redemption. Okay, so ACR, but in that

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repentance, what does that actually mean? And a lot of

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people can, you know, go well, you know, if I personally am a

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Christian, but even if you're not a Christian, you understand

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what repentance is, it's turning away from what is causing the

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pain, right. And so, Repentance means truly just turning away

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from the action. And when someone is apologizing, and that

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someone might be you, it might be your child, it might be Uncle

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Bob, whoever that is, you really need them to have good eye

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contact, right? That is very, very, very important to have eye

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contact, because it shows that the person is actually talking

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to you. I mean, think about it, when your kid is trying to

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apologize, and they're staring off at the wall or whatever

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you're like, No, you need to look at me, right? And so eye

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contact is so important. So eye contact, a clear voice, like not

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mumbling or saying half words or just like saying what we want

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them to say in this rush, tone, or whatever. But I contact a

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clear voice saying what they are sorry for Right? Or what you are

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sorry for maybe what you could have done differently and how

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you hope to move forward. So there's what five, five pieces

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their eye contact, clear voice, say what you're sorry for what

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could have been done differently, and how you hope to

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move forward. Those are five pieces to a great apology. Now,

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if Uncle Bob is apologizing to you, and he doesn't hit all of

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those steps, I don't need you critiquing him that's not going

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to go well. Right? These are for these teaching moments or for

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within our family. A lot of times we aren't going to be able

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to budge Uncle Bob's apology, but but if you are the one

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apologizing, that is a great frame of reference to have

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following those five criteria right there. Again, eye contact,

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clear voice say what you're sorry for how you could have

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done things differently and how you hope to move forward. Okay,

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and then resolve and just talk about it, and then do exactly

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that move forward. Okay, so the next group are the willing and

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unable and this is a very difficult group, and that

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actually has been exacerbated and grown so much because of

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COVID. That's been happening, but I really encourage you to

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find a way with technology or whatever you can, because if

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you're both willing, then there is a way I promise if you're

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both willing, there is a way there's even carrier pigeons

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friends. I'm not suggesting it but I'm saying there is a way.

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Okay, so let's move on to our unwilling groups here. So we

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have the people that are unwilling, but they're able. And

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unfortunately, this is probably going to be a big group of

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people, right? They don't want anything to do with it, you want

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to talk about it, there's something bothering you. But the

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the person on the other end is unwilling. They're able, but

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they're unwilling. And so that's when you have to have a

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conversation with your family, with your kids, and really talk

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to them about how it affects you. Because I promise that your

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kids are going to run into this in their lives, too. And they

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are going to be looking for a roadmap. Okay, so I really

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something, you know, really terrible happened, or I really

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need to talk about this with that person, but they are

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unwilling to talk to me, what do I do? Well, now is your teaching

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moment. Remember, you're the architect and the 6570, these

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beautiful 6570 days, that is their runway to adulthood, and

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is your teaching and training zone, right? This is your high

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impact, high influence time.

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And this is when you can give them a lesson in this way. And

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really, it's all about controlling what you can

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control. So you cannot control somebody else that is unwilling,

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right. But you can control yourself, you can get it off of

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your chest, maybe that is journaling, writing a letter,

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even, you know, to some degree, if it's at some degree going to

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a therapist, right? I have heard people writing things and then

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burning it right just to having these cathartic release moments,

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writing it on a rock and throwing it into the ocean,

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right? All of these things, if that other person is unwilling,

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then you need to do something that is within your control in

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order to release this because you don't want that other

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person, that unwilling person to lock you in an emotional jail,

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that you cannot release yourself from right there holding the

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key. No, no, no, you hold the key to your own emotions, your

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emotional, mental and physical well being okay. And so this is

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a great lesson to teach our kids about controlling what you can

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control and accepting what you cannot control. It's hard. But

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there's many, many times that this is going to happen in life.

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And then there's the unwilling and unable so there's something

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there's some big big boundary, international lines or what have

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you. And most likely, unfortunately, this the person

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that you need to talk to you in this category might have passed

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on, right. And that can be really hard to have unresolved

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issues with somebody that has passed on. And so again, that

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what you do about it goes back into the person that was

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unwilling, unwilling, but able right there, this person is just

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passed on. So they're unable, and but again, taking control of

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what you can control and releasing that maybe that means

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you apologizing to them, even though you absolutely know you

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will never get an apology back from them. But you just need to

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forgive them. And maybe apologize to them yourself.

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Depending on what it was. There's so many different

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situations that can happen out there. But maybe you need to

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apologize, maybe you need to forgive them, even though they

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didn't say sorry, again, just to get it off your chest. So you

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aren't walking around in that emotional jail and under that

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huge burden anymore. Just get rid of it. control what you can

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control. You don't want to walk into 2022 with this, again,

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burdening you, right? And speaking of 2022, you guys, if

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you didn't listen to last week's episode, about planning for your

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2022 and what you're going to do to pivot your future, and the

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next year, go listen to that it is so good, and has some great

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nuggets in it because I want 2022 to make a mark in your

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family, right? If I was graphing with my kids earlier today, we

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were doing distance and time graphs. We're doing motion and

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physics. And so I have graphs on the brain. But if you have a

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graph of your family and where you're going, I want 2022 to be

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a pivot year for you, that sends you Soaring towards your

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potential. And that takes planning and designing it does

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not just happen by happenstance. Right? It takes intention. And

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that's what we're doing in the 6570 we're waking up every

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single day with intention. Will it always go the way that we

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expected or wanted to go? Heck no, no way this is life after

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all. This is family after all. There's in your family There is

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more than you. So remember, we can only control ourselves. We

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can teach and we can influence and we can impact others. But we

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can only control ourselves. But within your family by you guys

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taking the bull by the horns, so to speak, then are the reindeer

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by the horns this time of year. But you can take control and

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really set intention for 2022 and say, This is our year. So go

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back and listen to episode 21. You guys. Alright, I know this

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is a busy time of year. I don't want to take up too much of your

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time. But I hope you have had and we'll have a fantastic

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holiday season. And if you are not listening to this around the

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holiday season, I hope you have a great day and week as well.

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And no matter what time of year it is, there is always those

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family dramas, right? Absolutely. So in the 65 seven

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do you guys, we are always building discipline and

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leadership today in order to shape tomorrow. And we are

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elevating the family experience and building a foundation of

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life for our kids. Remember, you

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are the architect of this project. So happy building

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everyone. Have a wonderful day and I'll talk to you soon. Thank

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you so much for listening today. And I hope you were able to take

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something from our discussion that you can use to build the

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foundation of self love leadership in your own family.

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If you are a parent with children 17 or younger, and

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especially those around nine and up, I would love to extend an

Nellie Harden: 00:16:34

invitation to you to the best club in town. The family

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architects Club is a private club where intentional parents

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go that want to love support, connect or reconnect and really

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truly help guide their kids and teach them how to self lead in

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discipline and leadership. This is an online community and the

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you are welcome to it. Parenting is a project and you are the

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architect of this one. You plan you design and oversee the

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construction of the beginning of someone else's life. And that's

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what goes into these first 6570 days. And it will be the

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foundation for the rest of their lives. So come join the club.

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You can find your invitation on the front page of my website

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Nelly hardened.com That is ne ll ie H AR d e n.com. Thank you

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again for being a part of this conversation today. And if

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something really resonated with you, or if you have a question,

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please don't hesitate to connect with me. You can find me on

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Instagram at Nelly hardens. And lastly, if you love the

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information, please please leave a five star review and a comment

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so more and more families can be impacted by harnessing the

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strength of these ideas and tools in their own families. So

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thank you so much. Happy building you guys and I'll see