How To Prepare & Have Difficult Conversations With Your Kids

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Hello and welcome to the 6570 family project

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podcast. If you are a parent of a tween teen or somewhere on the

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way, this is exactly the place for you. This is the playground

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for parents who want to raise their kids with intention,

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strength and joy. Come and hear all the discussions, get all the

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tactics and have lots of laughs along the way. We will dive into

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the real challenges and raising kids today how to show up as

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parents and teach your kids how to show up as members of the

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family and individuals of the world. My name is Nellie Hardin,

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big city girl turns small towns sipping iced tea on the front

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porch mama, who loves igniting transformation in the hearts and

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minds of families by helping them build selfless discipline

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and leadership that elevates the family experience. And sets the

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kids up with a rock solid foundation, they can launch

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their life on all before they ever leave home. This is the

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6570 family project. Let's go Hello, everyone, and welcome to

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another episode of the 6570 a family project podcast where we

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are putting aside our power struggles and finding the path

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to lead our young women toward confidence, wisdom and respect

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that they need in order to prepare them for the great big

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world out there. And today we're talking about a big topic

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because when we are talking, uh, many of you have children that

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are between nine and 18, many of you have young women that are

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between nine and 18. And as you know is the parent or you're

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getting close to that time. There are a lot of really

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difficult conversations that have to happen with our kids

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during that time. Whether it is about school, whether it is

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about future plans, whether it is about relationships,

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friendships or intimate relationships that they're

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having, whether it is about some judgment calls that they made

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some decisions that they made, there's a lot of maybe sibling

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rivalries, maybe some attitude problems, or you the list is

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endless, honestly, and there are really difficult conversations

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that needs some preparation, it you just can't go into these

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conversations blindly, you can't go in without a plan, because

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they can turn sideways or sour really, really quickly. And so I

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want to give you just five quick points today in our time

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together of how to prepare and have difficult conversations

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with your kids. So if you have some pen and paper, definitely

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jot these down. And if you're listening in the car, just

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listen intently, and then maybe you can recall them later or

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listen to this. Again, it'll be short and sweet. So that we can

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really get to the heart of the matter with these five points

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that we're going to talk about today. So So number one, we want

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to stay calm. So I had all of these start with C so you guys

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can it's easier for our brains to hold on to. So number one is

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calm. You don't want to go into a difficult or heavier

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conversation. When you are not calm and you're all wound up.

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You have a lot of emotions that are flooding, you have a lot of

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ambiguity and your emotions and feelings that are happening and

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you don't have a lot of clarity. So as the parent, you really

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want to come into these conversations with as much

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clarity as possible. So calm is definitely the state of mind

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that you want to be in many people if it is your thing, and

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you do that pray before you go into these conversations.

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Because you want to have a solid state that you are standing on a

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solid foundation and not just be willy nilly and you know arms

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flailing the emotional equivalent of one of those wind

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socks with the arms flailing right? We don't want to go into

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a conversation like that. And actually, if there was an

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altercation or something happening, one thing that you

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can do before the conversation is have that letter written and

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I won't get into many details of that that was all in Episode 28

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that had to do with the written word and how to use letter

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writing as a form of bringing clarity to a difficult situation

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or a high emotional situation. So sometimes you have those

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letters going in, which brings such great insight as to what

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you can talk about in these conversations. But sometimes you

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do sometimes you don't but definitely go back and listen to

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episode 28. If you have not already. But calm is our first

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one.

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Secondly, you want to construct a plan. And I am not saying that

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we need to go into In fact, I'm definitely recommending you

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don't go into these conversations in a robotic

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fashion, right. But you do want to have some specific goals and

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keep it very simple. You don't want to go in there and say, I

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need to know about this, this, this, this, this, this and this,

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right, that's way too many things for one conversation. And

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if the conversation lasts too long, you're going to lose them,

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or you're going to lose your temper, or both right? Or

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they're going to lose their temper, right. So you want to

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have some very specific goals, I want to know, you know, we need

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to figure out this one thing here, we need to figure out why

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this one thing happened, we need to figure out what we're going

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to do about this one thing, right? So if you can have one,

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maybe two things that you are having this conversation about,

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that would definitely be ideal. And another part of having this

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construction, part of the of this difficult conversation

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before you even have them is if you have a spouse, do this

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construction part with your spouse. The worst thing, one of

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the worst things that can happen when you're in these difficult

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conversations, if it's one child, or many of your children

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and two parents is to have the two parents coming at this

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conversation with two totally different points of view

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perspectives, and two different goals and outcomes while you are

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in the talk. Right? That breeds a lot of animosity between

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parents and spouses, and just a lot of frustration for the

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adults, a lot of confusion for the kids. So it's really

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important that parents get on the same page before you go into

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have this talk. So that you know what you are looking for, you

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know the tone that is going to be set. You know what the goal

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is and how you are going to speak to them about it. Maybe

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even if one parent is uncomfortable talking about

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something be like okay, so you're going to take this part

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and then we'll kind of explore that. Okay, you're going to

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start us off. Okay, that's great. Depending on your level

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of organization that you want going in again, we're not

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putting together an Ikea dresser, we are having a

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difficult conversation with our with our child or challenging

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discussion. And sometimes depending on your level of

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comfortability, I'm not even sure that's a word, but your

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level of comfortability, you can construct this plan, okay, so we

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had be calm, right? construct a plan. And then the third one is

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connect. So now you have actually established connection

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with them, you've gone into the room, they're down in the living

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room, you're going on a walk, whatever that is, you want to be

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at the same eye level as them, okay, you don't want this

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domineering type mentality, be at the same eye level as them.

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Come with lots of questions that you might have, you know,

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prepared with the constructing or just keep asking why? Why is

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such a powerful word that we can use with our kids, and things

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like so. Can you tell me more about this? Can you tell me why

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you chose to do that? Can you tell me why this happened? I

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want to understand you I want to be here for you. But in order to

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do that, I have to understand what is going on. I have to

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understand why. You know this happened. And so lots and lots

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and lots of questions. When you're going into these

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conversations, it is much better to listen much, much, much more

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than you speak. Okay. We have something that we do sometimes

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it's just called the sharing circle and you sit down and we

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we have them need a knee right? So if it's two people, it's just

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crisscross applesauce on the floor, need a knee and so

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everybody is you know, feeling seen everyone is feeling like

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the attention. They have the other person's attention.

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Sometimes I even hold hands with my you know, young ladies as I'm

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talking with them, especially if they don't want to hold my hands

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to be honest, because they might be feeling obstinate. They might

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be feeling like they have this power complex and I want to

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struggle with you. And if I gently hold their hands not

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grabbing, not grasping, right, I'm just gently holding their

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hands as we're need a knee and crisscross applesauce, right?

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And then it just opens up some layers that would otherwise be

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built up in front of you, you know, they they put up a brick,

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you take down two bricks, they put up another one, you take

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down two more, these walls that they're trying to build around

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themselves and, you know, understand that they're trying

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to put those walls around themselves because they don't

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feel safe and secure. So we need to get them to a place where

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they feel safe and secure, so that we can actually have this

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difficult conversation. Right? Okay, so we have calm, we have

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construct, we have connect, and our next one is communicate.

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Okay, so in that we really want to validate their thoughts and

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feelings and stay on track, don't follow the rabbit trails.

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Remember, we came into this with one, maybe maybe two goals, but

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really one goal, so stay on track with those goals, right.

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And understanding that our kids just want to be seen, right.

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It's that safety and security we talked about with Connect, and

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they want to be seen, they want to know that they're validated

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in their feelings in their, in how their emotions are, they're

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not necessarily validated in their actions, which is probably

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why you're having this difficult conversation in the first place.

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Because we are only known by our words and actions. So probably

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it is their words and actions that have preempted this

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discussion that you're having. So those are not always

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validated, but their feelings are validated, right? Because

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they're their feelings. It's just like you can never

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unvalidated someone's story, it's their story. So helping

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them understand that and feel validated, stay on track they

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want to be seen. And there's some really big ones that you

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are on the like, do not do list, if you will, number one, do not

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interrupt, okay? Do not interrupt. Now, if you have one

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like I have, and she likes to drone on and on and on. And

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she's literally saying the same thing in different words for 20

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minutes. I just put up my hand, and I'm just like, Okay, I

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understand what you're saying here. And you've said it a few

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different ways. So can I speak and respond to that now? Right?

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And it's okay to do that. But don't just come in and overlap.

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They're speaking right? So do not interrupt, do not use the

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words always and never. And we want to teach them to not use

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those either, because lo and behold, it will be like, Oh, my

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sister always does this or you never do this. And that is not

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the case, right? The always nevers need to come out. And we

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learned that my husband and I were in a great marriage

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program, gosh, probably 10 plus years ago, and that was one of

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the big, big things that they encouraged us to use whenever

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we're talking is never, never use, always and never. That's

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it. That's an okay way to use it right there. But when you're

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talking about someone else's behavior, right, you want to

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stay away from the always Nevers, because they're

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definitive, and they cover everything. And it's just, I

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mean 99.999% of the time, it is not true. If an always never is

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used. And then the third one is Do not mock. Okay, Do not mock.

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It can be really hard sometimes, and it can be even a go to

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sometimes, but really try to stay away from mocking like if

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they have a big reaction or you're trying to tell them

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something. And it's easy to mock and I don't know about you, I

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have never seen you know, a comedian onstage or any, anyone

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like that or an in person. i What is it a impersonator?

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Right? That actually gets it. All right. And not to mention

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the fact that when you're speaking with your son or

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daughter, and in my case, my daughter, right, the way that

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she is portrayed on the outside is different than the way that

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she is being portrayed than the way she thinks she's being

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portrayed from the inside. You think about it like, like a

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movie projector, right? So the person that is operating the

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movie projector in the movie theater is sitting back in a

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room, and they have this little

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player doohickey thing. I'm not even sure what it's called, look

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at my super technical words here. And the image is what

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maybe two inches in diameter. And then the people in the

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audience are sitting there and they're seeing this on the big

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big screen. They have their snacks with them. They have

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other people with them, right? It's two different perspectives

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of the same thing. And so when you're mocking and you're saying

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what is on screen that's not what they're seeing when they're

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back with the projector. I hope that makes sense. So mocking is

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something that you should definitely try to stay away

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from. So those are those big nose again are do not interrupt,

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do not use always never and Do not mock. And with

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communication, just validate their feelings and stay there a

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while right be vulnerable with them, if they have something

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that they're going through, understand where that's coming

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from. And you can I guarantee that if they are upset, sad,

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embarrassed, humiliated, shameful, guilty, right, all of

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those things have roots, doesn't matter what the circumstances,

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but those feelings have roots. And I guarantee that you have

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felt that way with something before, share those share, have

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them see you as the human, and not just the authoritarian,

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right, you guys are a team as a family. And so if you can share

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your vulnerability and and they can see that you understand

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where they're coming from, it will make things so so much

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easier, okay. And then lastly, you want to close, and you want

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to close with love and understanding and a game plan.

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You do not have to agree, it is not about getting to a place

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that everyone agrees on everything. And, you know, I

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agree that I was all wrong, or I you know, you agree that I was

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all right or anything, we don't have to agree. But you do need

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to come to a point of understanding and respect,

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right? Respect the fact that they're going through this, they

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need to respect the fact that you are also going through

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something as the parent of them going through something, and

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that you're taking your time and your mental and emotional and

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physical energy in order to help them and love them and guide

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them. So come to a point of understanding and respect at the

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end. And you need an action step for whatever you came into that

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difficult conversation with, make sure there's at least one,

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maybe two, maybe three action steps that you can take. Because

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if there's not an action step, then there really wasn't any

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movement forward with that difficult conversation, right?

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The action step could look like a hug. And I'm sorry, I'm sorry

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to and let's do better next time. And this is how we're

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going to do better. If you just say we're going to do better

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next time, then that's too ambiguous. And it's just put

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into the let's try trashcan, and nothing really happens, right?

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But if you put a definitive action on it, like, okay, let's

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let's work on our relationship a little bit better, let's go to

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dinner in the movies this week, just the two of us, let's spend

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half hour together on Thursday nights, just the two of us.

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Let's you know, or, or if it's someone else, if this

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conversation was about something else, like let's do something

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about that, but put a definitive action on that close. And again,

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if it's for you pray it out. So again, just to go through those

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it is stay, get and stay calm, come into it calm, right?

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construct a plan, keep it simple. Make sure you're on the

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same level and same ideas of your spouse, right? Come in with

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one thing that you want to figure out. You want to connect

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with lots of questions, you want to communicate, and you want to

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close. So calm, construct, connect, communicate, and close.

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So I hope that you've gotten so much out of this today, because

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lord knows that we have so many difficult conversations that

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have to come up every day, I have four daughters. And so my

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daily quota I think is like three of these a day, at least

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difficult conversations. And once you get the hang of this

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and once you're like okay, this is what we want to do. I'm calm

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now. They're calm now. So let's connect, let's communicate.

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Alright, this is our action step, right? It just becomes

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this cadence of things that you're going into, but it's a

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practice. The first time we did this, it we were terrible at it.

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And now we're much better and we'll get even better after

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that. So don't think that you have to be perfect. You only

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have to try. I was just speaking with someone as a guest speaker

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this morning. And we were talking about how we take all of

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the good from our, that our parents gave us. But we really

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also take all of the mistakes that our parents had, and we

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build on them, especially those mistakes that we see they are

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not perfect people. They're flawed just like we are and when

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they when they flawed, they just get up and they do better next

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time. They apologize and they move on right. And that's what

Nellie Harden: 00:19:59

we need to do. Do too You do not need to be perfect, you just

Nellie Harden: 00:20:02

need to try. Okay you guys. So we will be back with another

Nellie Harden: 00:20:07

episode of the 6570 family project podcast next week and

Nellie Harden: 00:20:11

remember guys just keep teaching, keep laughing, keep

Nellie Harden: 00:20:15

loving and remember to keep showing up with intention during

Nellie Harden: 00:20:19

the 6570 parenthood childhood experience because they need

Nellie Harden: 00:20:23

you. Alright everyone, I will talk to you later.

Nellie Harden: 00:20:43

Thank you so much for listening today. And I hope you were able

Nellie Harden: 00:20:46

to take something from our discussion that you can use to

Nellie Harden: 00:20:49

build the foundation of self led leadership in your own family.

Nellie Harden: 00:20:53

If you are a parent with children 17 or younger, and

Nellie Harden: 00:20:56

especially those around nine and up, I would love to extend an

Nellie Harden: 00:21:01

invitation to you to the best club in town. The family

Nellie Harden: 00:21:05

architects Club is a private club where intentional parents

Nellie Harden: 00:21:09

go that want to love support, connect or reconnect and really

Nellie Harden: 00:21:14

truly help guide their kids and teach them how to self lead in

Nellie Harden: 00:21:18

discipline and leadership. This is an online community and the

Nellie Harden: 00:21:22

you are welcome to it. Parenting is a project and you are the

Nellie Harden: 00:21:27

architect of this one. You plan you design and oversee the

Nellie Harden: 00:21:31

construction of the beginning of someone else's life. And that's

Nellie Harden: 00:21:35

what goes into these first 6570 days. And it will be the

Nellie Harden: 00:21:40

foundation for the rest of their lives. So come join the club.

Nellie Harden: 00:21:43

You can find your invitation on the front page of my website

Nellie Harden: 00:21:47

Nelly hardened.com that is n e ll ie H AR di n.com. Thank you

Nellie Harden: 00:21:55

again for being a part of this conversation today. And if

Nellie Harden: 00:21:57

something really resonated with you, or if you have a question,

Nellie Harden: 00:22:01

please don't hesitate to connect with me. You can find me on

Nellie Harden: 00:22:04

Instagram at Nelly hardens. And lastly, if you love the

Nellie Harden: 00:22:07

information, please please leave a five star review and a comment

Nellie Harden: 00:22:12

so more and more families can be impacted by harnessing the

Nellie Harden: 00:22:16

strength of these ideas and tools in their own families. So

Nellie Harden: 00:22:20

thank you so much. Happy building you guys and I'll see