The Power of the Written Word for Your Kids!

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Hello and welcome to the 6570 family project

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podcast. If you are a parent of a tween teen or somewhere on the

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way, this is exactly the place for you. This is the playground

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for parents who want to raise their kids with intention,

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strength and joy. Come and hear all the discussions, get all the

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tactics and have lots of laughs along the way. We will dive into

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the real challenges and raising kids today how to show up as

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parents and teach your kids how to show up as members of the

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family and individuals of the world. My name is Nellie Hardin,

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big city girl turn small town sipping iced tea on the front

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porch mama who loves igniting transformation in the hearts and

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minds of families by helping them build self love, discipline

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and leadership that elevates the family experience and sets the

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kids up with a rock solid foundation, they can launch

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their life on all before they ever leave home. This is the

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6570 family project. Let's go Hello, everyone. Welcome back to

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another episode of the 6570 family project podcast. We in

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this podcast are taking the 6570 days that are the high impact

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high influence timezone of this parenthood childhood dynamic,

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and really building them into the confident and the respectful

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and the wise leaders that they can be. So they can go off and

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have a joy filled life of impact. That's what we're doing

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here in this podcast. And today, I wanted to talk to you a little

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bit about the power of the written word. And you're like,

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Okay, I've heard that before, you know, maybe some of the old

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English poets and authors and things like that. But I'm not

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talking about that I'm talking about actually your kiddo or

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yourself, but definitely your kiddo taking the power of the

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written word. When you can take something as ambiguous as

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shapeless as a thought. And actually put it on paper, it

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makes it more concrete, it makes it real, right? There's

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edges, there's corners, there is an idea it is out there in the

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world, right, you can take an eraser to it, but it was there

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and you're always going to see it. So putting something on

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paper with your own hand not typing, putting something on

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paper is so powerful, okay. And I want to walk you through some

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examples that I have here, because we use this in my own

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home and in my practice, very, very often, right. And it also

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helps you zoom in on something. So writing a letter, you could

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call it a letter, you could call it a paragraph, you could call

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it page, sometimes these things need like or go write me 29

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pages of why this happened, right? No, I'm just kidding. But

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sometimes they're longer. Sometimes they're shorter, just

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depends on what is going on. But it can help you zoom in on a

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decision or zoom in on a specific area of time and open

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that up. And I've I've told you guys time and time again, I love

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to make references. I'm such a visual person. And I remember

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anyone else ever listen or watch CSI back in the day, I just

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watched the original one, I didn't watch all the spin offs.

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But back in CSI, I just remember that there was so many of these

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scenes where it would like zoom in, and then you would dive into

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the body and you would see all of these this stuff happening.

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And you're like, oh, okay, that's what happened, right? And

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it's kind of the same. That's kind of how I view this. You're

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like, You're so weird, Nellie, I am that's fine. But anyway, it

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helps you to zoom in on something and see what happened

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and why it happened. So every single action there is it's a

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behavior, right? And that behavior is decided on. And of

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course that's outside of those, you know, nervous system

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reflexes, we got the knee going and all those things, but pretty

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much 99% of behaviors are decided on right. And before

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that decision happens. There was a feeling and before that

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feeling, there was a thought. And there's actually three

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thought filters that that something goes through that a

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thought goes through before it becomes an action, right. And

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these are really worth exploring further. And I talk all about

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this in the mindset cycle. And I will have another podcast about

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that in the future. But it's something I definitely teach on

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because when you can understand Wait a second, I'm actually this

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is passing through three different filters and what are

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my filters by the way, and That's something worth exploring

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too. But today I want to talk to you about just taking a minute

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to explore an action and this behavior chain or this thought

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chain happening. So here's an example. Say, so there's some

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parents whose child seems to be a sympathetic, right? Totally

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non empathetic. It seems like they have this animosity toward

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the world. And maybe they turned off their emotion switch, and

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you're like, what is happening? Right, and the parents are at

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wit's end. I don't know if you've ever experienced this. I

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know, I definitely have. And I talked with many parents that

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have as well, it doesn't happen all the time. But it happens

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often enough that the parents are saying, What is going on

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with my kid, right? So let's walk through this situation. So

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one day, there's this little boy and his little sister wanted to

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get by him, he accidentally trips her she falls, and she

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gets mildly hurt, like, you know, booboo on the knee and

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mildly hurt nothing, you know, Doctor worthy or anything. So

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the best solution, of course, would be to kneel down and

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apologize and see if his sister was okay. I'm so sorry. You

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know, I you just think about what you would do if you were in

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an airport or in a restaurant or whatever, and you accidentally

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bumped into somebody? Would you just walk away? No, you would?

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Oh, my goodness, I am so sorry. Are you okay? And help them up?

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Help them clean up anything that happened, right? That's the best

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solution. That's what we want to get to. But is that what he did?

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No, he rolls his eyes and walks away. And the parents are like,

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jaws to the floor, what the what, right? They're fed up. And

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they're thinking this, you know, he must when the emotional

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switch was yanked on this one. And they just take some deep

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breaths, right? They probably always didn't do this. But after

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we work together, we take some deep breaths. And we tell him

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calmly, right? We don't want to act out of our own crazy

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feelings, either, right? That's not going to help the situation.

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So we tell them that he needs to please go upstairs. And I want

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you to actually write a paragraph or two about what

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happened. I want you to tell me how you felt. I want to tell me

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about your reaction, and about how your reaction could be

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better in the future. Now, they're not going to just be

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like, Oh, okay, mom, okay, dad, they're gonna be like, What? Are

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you serious, right, you're gonna get you're gonna get the tude,

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and that's fine. And you're gonna be like, Yes, this is what

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you need to do, please go upstairs. And that is your that

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is your assignment right now. And please don't come out of

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your room until this is done. Take some time if you need some

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time, but that is what needs to happen. And he can't come out

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until it's written. And if it takes a while, that's okay. He

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needs to calm down, because he's probably going to be perturbed

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that you're telling him to do this. And that is okay. But what

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writing does is it slows down that behavior and makes makes

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him think about it right? makes him think about that thought

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change thought chain because his hand cannot go as fast as his

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brain, our physical body cannot go as fast as thought, right?

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There's some Marvel superhero that can move at the at the

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speed of thought I forget who that is. I don't know. But

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anyway, um, and so he needs to actually slow down zoom in on

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this. You know, it was probably a maybe 10 second exchange. So

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take out all the stuff in the day that happened before and all

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the stuff that's happened after let's erase that, let's zoom in

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on this 10 seconds. Let's actually think about this

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decision process that happened right then. Okay. And it's more

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real. Like I was saying earlier, there's more truth. And there's

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more of the I am identity statements in there. When he's

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writing this out, he doesn't want to just write, I'm a bad

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brother. So that's why it happened. Right? That is very,

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very rare. And if that is the case, we have some other things

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we need to dive into. But it is very rare that someone is going

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to say, I'm a bad brother. That's why I did it. And that's

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that right? No one really wants to see that. So this is what's

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going to happen. And he turns in the paper and you're reading it

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and you're seeing that he accidentally tripped her. It

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wasn't on purpose. He accidentally tripped her. He was

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embarrassed and knew everyone would blame him for everything

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again. Okay. So notice that language in there, everyone,

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everything again, right? And those are those always nevers

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and my husband and I did a marriage. It wasn't it was like

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this marriage workshop at our old church back in Indiana years

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and years and years ago. And that was one of the first things

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that we talked about. There was probably I don't know nine 10

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couples in there, and one of the first things we talked about on

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week one was when you are having a discussion, you can never use

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always and never. And every is obviously in that grouping as

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well, you can't use those because they're simply not true.

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Everyone doesn't blame him for everything all the time, right?

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And so, but that's how he's feeling. So that is His truth

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right then. And so we need to dissect that a little bit, but

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let's keep going. So he accidentally tripped her. He

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says, I was embarrassed. And I knew everyone would blame me for

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everything. Again, he felt resentful, he's not going to use

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that word. But you can, you know, extrapolate it from the

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the pages that he's writing or the words that he's writing. He

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felt resentful toward that, because he knows his sister's

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overly dramatic. And he feels like his parents only only only

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ever talked to him about his behavior. And they never talked

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to her about hers. Okay, so pause for a second right there,

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I just want you to know that your kids are always going to

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think that they're always going to think that they are the

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victim of everything, and every other sibling never gets talked

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to. Right? That is that is a very normal feeling. And it's

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something that is going to have to be squashed over and over and

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over again. Because they're only seeing life from their

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perspective. So of course, they only see or they see you talking

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to them more often. Because they're not the other person,

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right? They aren't the sibling. And so really getting this into

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them of No, we talked to everybody, everyone's on their

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own path I need to help you be you, I need to help her be her

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all of these things. And so you weren't in the room when I'm

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talking with her all the time and all of these things. So I

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just want to put a pause. If you're hearing that, which you

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probably are, you're not the only one it is very normal. And

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it's something that will have to be repeatedly squashed over and

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over again. So he questions let's move on. He questions.

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URMS Are you question why they always talk to him and does and

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decided that I'm sorry? He questioned why? In his mind, why

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do they always talk to me remember those those filters? So

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he had a thought? He's like they're in? I'm getting talked

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to again, right? The observation, and then he's like,

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Why do they always talk to me and he decides he was just a bad

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kid. So why even try. And so the result was he walked away. This

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is where the take them on a walk, sit down and talk with

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them. Go do a puzzle and talk about this go color and talk

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about this. A lot of times if you pair a physical activity

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with a discussion, it goes so much better, right? Because

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everything isn't focused on eye contact, eye contact, eye

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contact, right? uncomfortable, whatever. But if you're

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coloring, if you're walking, if you're puzzling, if you are like

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building some little do Hickey, whatever that is, you can pair

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some sort of physical with a good talk. But what you want to

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do now is be vulnerable. You as the parent, be vulnerable. Let

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him know, you know what, I totally get being embarrassed

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this one time, this really embarrassing thing happened to

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me. Oh my goodness, my kids, they A while ago, they asked me

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they were we were on one of our umpteen million hours of a road

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trip. And they were like, Ma, tell me all your embarrassing

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stories. And I was like, Oh, this will be fun. So you know,

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we go along, and I'm telling them different things. They're

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like, what all this stuff and it just really brings you down to

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their level. But one of their favorites is when I was in

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kindergarten, and I really had to go to the bathroom. And the

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evil lunch ladies that were there circa early early 80s You

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know, and they would not let me go. They thought I was lying.

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And I was like, I really need to go there. Like no, you may not

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go you need to do this and then go out for recess. And so

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anyway, I went out for recess, there was one of those dome

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shaped jungle gyms. And I was wearing a skirt of course and

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climbing a jungle gym. Lots of things to dissect here. But

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anyway, I climb to the top. And sure enough, peed all the way

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down from the top of that dome on to a person that was below

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me. And yeah, so now my embarrassing story is out in the

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entire world to hear. But that is fine. I was in kindergarten,

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but my kids always bring that up because they were like, Oh, I'm

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so embarrassed. But you know what, it wasn't as bad as mom

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when she peed on that kid.

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I mean, there's that right? So be vulnerable with an

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embarrassing story of your own and help him understand that he

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only sees the talks that he gets that happened to him, and you're

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working to help him on his journey and helping his sister

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to work on hers. And there is a very different correction for

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every person, right? I can't talk to you the same way I talk

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to you to the same way I talk to you, you guys are different

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people, different things happen. And a good way, especially if

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you have little kids. Older kids can kind of grasp that everyone

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needs a bit of difference, right? But younger kids, I often

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say Okay, so what if I take you to an ice cream store tomorrow,

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and we walk up and your little sister says, I want? I don't

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know, let's say cookies and cream. And you didn't want

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cookies and cream. You want it some other time. But to be fair,

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and that everyone gets the same exact thing. Everyone in the

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family is getting cookies and cream. Right? And then they're

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like, but I didn't want that. I know because that wasn't right

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for you. That was right for her. But it wasn't right for you.

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It's just such a great, simple, simple analogy to help them

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understand that different people different things, right. Okay,

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so we're working on this, we're helping him understand that

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you're helping him with his journey, you're helping her with

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her journey. And there's an age gap there, right. Which also

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means that there's a wisdom gap there. And we're putting some of

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that onus that ownership and leadership on him to like, we

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need to teach her how to react when she accidentally tripped

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somebody in the future. We don't want her just walking away,

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right? And what you do, because she looks up to you, because you

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are her big brother, then we need to be able to teach her Can

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you help me do that? Right? So you're bringing him at, you're

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being vulnerable? You're you're saying I understand you, and you

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are not the worst, you know, kid, brother, son in the world,

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right? And you're bringing him into the fold to help you.

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Parent, right? So we're, we're growing this team mentality. And

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you can also agree, I do agree your sister can be overly

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dramatic sometimes. And that is something we're working on with

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her again, like, can you help me do that? Right? Because if we

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can help her, then you can be helped to right? Explain that

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being there to help one another, especially a family member is

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the right choice, because we're a team. And we and a team needs

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everyone to stay strong and lift one another up a family is a

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team. You guys, I've used this writing time, time and time and

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time again for different situations. And even when kids

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are just trying to figure something out, right? Give them

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a big question. And it makes them think about it, zoom in and

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think about that one thing papers do not just have to be

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about overall themes of The Grapes of Wrath, right? I don't

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know. That's the first thing that pops popped into my head. I

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remember writing about that when I was in high school. But they

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can be used for the purpose of growing emotional intelligence

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as well. Right? I asked one of my kids the other day, what are

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your just can you just write make some curious? And I think

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it would really help me understand some things. Can you

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tell me what your moral filters are? That your thoughts go

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through before they come become an action. And she wrote me a

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paper on it. And it gave me so much clarity, and it probably

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did for her too. And then we can have a discussion about that.

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Funny. Funny enough, though, I told my husband that I asked her

Nellie Harden: 00:18:33

that question. He's like, I don't even know if I would be

Nellie Harden: 00:18:36

able to answer that. And I was like, Well, maybe you should

Nellie Harden: 00:18:39

write a paper on it. And he's like, I think I have to go build

Nellie Harden: 00:18:44

the he's building a kitchen island for us right now. So he's

Nellie Harden: 00:18:48

thinking about it while he's standing. I'm sure of it. But I

Nellie Harden: 00:18:52

keep these letters for posterity. And also as a good

Nellie Harden: 00:18:55

reminder, if repeated things happen again, right? So in our

Nellie Harden: 00:19:00

instance, that we walked through if if something else happened,

Nellie Harden: 00:19:03

where it seemed like he was shutting off some of his

Nellie Harden: 00:19:06

emotion, we can bring this back out and say, Do you remember

Nellie Harden: 00:19:09

when we talked about this? Can you remind me some of the things

Nellie Harden: 00:19:12

that we talked about after that happened? And you can build on

Nellie Harden: 00:19:16

it instead of starting from scratch all over again. So try

Nellie Harden: 00:19:20

it and see what you guys learn. It is a great process, because

Nellie Harden: 00:19:25

there is so much power in that written word. Okay, guys, this

Nellie Harden: 00:19:29

is Nelly your partner and parenting Talk soon. And happy

Nellie Harden: 00:19:33

building you guys.

Nellie Harden: 00:19:35

Thank you so much for listening today and I hope you were able

Nellie Harden: 00:19:38

to take something from our discussion that you can use to

Nellie Harden: 00:19:41

build the foundation of self love leadership in your own

Nellie Harden: 00:19:44

family. If you are a parent with children 17 or younger, and

Nellie Harden: 00:19:48

especially those around nine and up, I would love to extend an

Nellie Harden: 00:19:53

invitation to you to the best club in town. The family

Nellie Harden: 00:19:58

architects Club is a private club club where intentional

Nellie Harden: 00:20:01

parents go that want to love support, connect or reconnect,

Nellie Harden: 00:20:06

and really truly help guide their kids and teach them how to

Nellie Harden: 00:20:09

self lead in discipline and leadership. This is an online

Nellie Harden: 00:20:14

community and the you are welcome to it. Parenting is a

Nellie Harden: 00:20:18

project and you are the architect of this one. You plan

Nellie Harden: 00:20:22

you design and oversee the construction of the beginning of

Nellie Harden: 00:20:25

someone else's life. And that's what goes into these first 6570

Nellie Harden: 00:20:31

days. And it will be the foundation for the rest of their

Nellie Harden: 00:20:34

lives. So come join the club, you can find your invitation on

Nellie Harden: 00:20:38

the front page of my website Nelly hardened.com. That is N E

Nellie Harden: 00:20:42

ll ie H AR D n.com. Thank you again for being a part of this

Nellie Harden: 00:20:49

conversation today. And if something really resonated with

Nellie Harden: 00:20:51

you, or if you have a question, please don't hesitate to connect

Nellie Harden: 00:20:55

with me. You can find me on Instagram at Nelly Hardin. And

Nellie Harden: 00:20:58

lastly, if you love the information, please please leave

Nellie Harden: 00:21:02

a five star review and a comment so more and more families can be

Nellie Harden: 00:21:07

impacted by harnessing the strength of these ideas and

Nellie Harden: 00:21:09

tools in their own families. So thank you so much. Happy

Nellie Harden: 00:21:13

building you guys and I'll see you next week.