Redefining Education with guest Dana Kaplan

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Hello and welcome to the 6570 family project

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podcast. If you are a parent of a tween teen or somewhere on the

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way, this is exactly the place for you. This is the playground

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for parents who want to raise their kids with intention,

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strength and joy. Come and hear all the discussions, get all the

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tactics and have lots of laughs along the way. We will dive into

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the real challenges and raising kids today how to show up as

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parents and teach your kids how to show up as members of the

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family and individuals of the world. My name is Nellie Hardin,

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big city girl turn small town sipping iced tea on the front

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porch mama who loves igniting transformation in the hearts and

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minds of families by helping them build self love, discipline

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and leadership that elevates the family experience and sets the

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kids up with a rock solid foundation they can launch their

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life on all before they ever leave home. This is the 6570

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family project. Let's go welcome back to another episode of the

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6570 family project podcast you guys. Wow Have I got a treat for

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you today. Deena Kaplan. This interview that I am about to

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share with you was so moving and captivating to me bringing

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emotional intelligence into the educational mindset and space of

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our families and our children. Dana is an award winning early

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childhood and gifted educator and social emotional

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intelligence expert, pioneering the D Ay ay ay b in action from

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the womb throughout life's journey from preparing parents

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how to reframe their inner dialogue, even while pregnant,

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to facilitating and planning all critical assessments in those

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early academic years. Richly interactive professional

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development for children and adults. And it really the her

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work goes into all areas she leads through the lens of

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curiosity, providing a safe and accessible space for all

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together with intentional wonder love that Dana organically

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propels learners and families with highly effective

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communication skills for critical and possibly

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uncomfortable conversations. How many of those do we have to have

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as parents just had three of them yesterday, right, we have

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to and one this morning, we always have to have those and we

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need the skills to do that. She works in facilitating and

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unleashing vulnerability, inviting self acceptance,

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increasing confidence and fostering self compassion. This

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conversation is going to be one of those small pivots that you

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actually have in life. I know it was for me, I can't wait for you

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to listen to it. Let's go ahead and get started. Okay, you guys,

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I'm so excited, as you have heard all of the amazing things

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about our speaker today. And she is coming to us, Dina Kaplan,

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I'm so excited to have you here first and foremost,

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at so much for having me, I love when we can

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find communities that want to thrive together. And so thank

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you for creating one. Oh, thank

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you. Um, so I want to just jump into it today,

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because I owe you guys. Even before we pressed record today,

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we have been talking and chatting. And we're like, oh, we

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should actually record something here. So much gold and so great.

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What we're going back and forth with and so I want to jump into

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it because we have a lot to cover today. And tell me a

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little bit i You're obviously an educational and emotional

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intelligence leader to families, to communities, and I want to

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know how that all came to be and where did that come from in your

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life.

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So I I've always been a trailblazer in everything that

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I've done, I've never fit into a box. And for many times in my

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life, I thought there was something quote unquote wrong

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with me because I was thinking so far ahead of the game, but

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like not able sometimes to put words to it, to put like the

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language around it. So when I am from the Deep South, and I have

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recently been seeing the impact of keeping quiet about things

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that happen in your life. And so I over the past couple of years,

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have really especially during the pandemic and especially

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around the reality that we have to be open and vulnerable and

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honest with people about our own journeys in order for them to

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know they're not alone. So I started telling people about my

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childhood and I am from the Deep South. I'm from Columbus,

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Georgia, and I am Jewish. And I'm white. And so, you know, you

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see the white privilege, but you don't know, unless you ask me

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what happened. And I experienced a lot of anti semitism and

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racism and bigotry, and it was very hurtful. And, and I had no

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one to talk to about it. I didn't even know how to talk

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about it. And I felt like school needed to do more for me. And I

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felt like school needed to be a safer place for me and I also

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in the meantime, so here it is, I'm dealing with these

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emotional, like, uncomfortable, like scenarios that I don't even

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know what to do about. Right. So

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that's on the one hand, and then on the other hand, my learning,

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I learned differently, but we didn't know that right? We I was

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never tested, there was nothing going on. But you know, in a

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traditional setting, I am the teacher, I tell you what you

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have to do. I tell you how you learn, go for it. But that's not

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real. That's not reality. And so as an educator, I decided to

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become an educator, because I wanted to change things I want

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to not that it was broken. It's what we knew. But I wanted to

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come in and see what would happen if we did something

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different. Because everyone's trying to consistently come in

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and fix. There's nothing to fix. We don't even know what to fix.

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We don't even know what it is until we stop and look at and

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ask questions. And we're not asking questions. So let me just

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come in. But what I did though, was because I was so curious

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about my own learning is so curious about my own emotional

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awareness that I realized that it is the foundation for

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everything and everyone that I work with. So when I went into

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education, and kindergarten is my heart and soul and I, I

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taught kindergarten, okay, and then I've also taught all the

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way up to postgraduate students. Everything I do starts with

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emotional intelligence. It starts with who am I? What do I

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think about myself? How do I feel about myself? What do I see

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in myself, right, and there's so many components, essential

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ingredients, to actually learning about who you are. And

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that self awareness is what propels you in your learning,

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which propels you and your socialization. It propels you,

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in all spaces of places and schools. We're not doing that

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beforehand. And so when I went into my first year of teaching,

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it was all about building a community, it was holding a

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space where everyone felt like they belonged. And I'm using

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words that are now catchphrases, belonging, accessing, included,

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right, and here it is, now we have an actual acronym for it.

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But it 23 I'm coming in saying, using these words, in already

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knowing how important they were. And now, fast forward 20 years

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into teaching, and now we are still missing the mark. Because

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now we have to have an actual acronym for it, we actually have

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to have programs for what's still not happening and the

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programs that are being followed. So for me to go into

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education, it was bigger than what I ever imagined. And it was

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more about the child's development of the child

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thriving and removing labels and limits from children, then than

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anything. And what I discovered is that I went from being what I

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thought, a class, a lifelong classroom teacher to a retired

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classroom teacher and a lifelong educator in the world. Because

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ultimately, we have to create a space for kids to be able to

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feel like they can access material, access spaces, feel

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included, feel like there's an equity going on, where they can

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use their voice and ask for what they need for that rich sense of

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belonging, because we live in a very diverse world. But that's

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not going to do anything for us if you don't know how to get

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into the game. So that that's where I am today and the

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passions and the purpose behind my work.

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Wow. Now, your own family that you that you

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have, how has that I'm just so curious, because I know in my

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own journey, as I have gone from, you know, where I was,

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and, you know, science and studying whales, you know, where

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I was then and then where I went, and then I've been

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studying human humans. Well, I studied them before, but really

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working with humanity in in families, especially for the

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last 1015 years. And when in my own family and our own home.

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It's just been this evolution of things like I don't recognize

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the mother that I was to my two year old as the mother than I am

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to my 16 year old today, you know, and it's just so so funny

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to see that. Ironic I guess is a better is a better word there

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but how has all of this really shaped your experience, how has

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it shaped your family experience?

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It is actually been I love that question. So thank

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you. It's been really interesting. So my parents. So

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what you see is an award winning educator that made massive

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impact in Atlanta, Georgia, and then made NASA back to New York

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City. But that classroom teacher was only talking about feeling

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anxious at times, or having testing xiety, or, you know,

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talking about my learning, I wasn't actually talking about my

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emotional state that I was in as a child, right. I did talk about

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my learning as a child, but I didn't talk about how I actually

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felt about myself. And so since leaving the classroom, since

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really diving deep into the work that I know that I'm here for,

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it has been an interesting conversation around that, right.

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I mean, I did a podcast the other day, and my mom texted me

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and she goes, really good job. I just really hope you don't think

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we look at you as a misfit. And I'm like, maybe you do, maybe

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you don't. It's not about how you look at me. It's how I feel.

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And so we had this whole conversation about it

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afterwards. And I'm excited for her to hear this podcast as

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well. Because, you know, the more we can have conversations,

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whether or not they're easy, whether or not they're

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comfortable, whether or not they're vulnerable, whether or

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not they're cut and dry. It is so critical to ask questions and

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to be curious, because I know my mom does not want me to feel

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like I don't belong. But at the same time, that's not her job

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anymore. It's not my job to make sure I feel like I've lost How

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am I feeling in my body? Am I doing what drives my passion? Am

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I doing what I love. And because I didn't have those kinds of

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conversations with other people with certain people in my life

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growing up, they're now hearing about it now. And then the more

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we actually are open to having the conversations, to diving

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into the spaces that were scary for us, the richer our

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connections can be. The rich connection is that my

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relationship with my parents has grown Excellent. Like siblings,

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tonight, it's exponential, like the, they used to think that I

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was just this whimsical person coming up with all these ideas

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and floating around and taking kids on field trips and doing

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you know, rapid fire all these like things, but I helped my

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older brother during the COVID with his kids, and they saw me

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in action working and they're like, oh my god, now we gotta

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have a structure in place. You do the structure, we follow what

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you say, the world changes. And it's not that I have a magic

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wand, it's that we are so quick to bypass the emotional state,

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we're so quick to bypass the critical piece of our life to

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get to the end shiny object, that the shiny objects means

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nothing, right. And so that is the impact. And I am grateful

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every day, because I get to actually show up and be my

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authentic self. And I don't apologize for it anyway.

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So powerful to not have to apologize for that

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or not feel like you are holding back anything that you're having

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there. And I also love which is a great transition, you said

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it's not my mom's job anymore to help myself feel belonging,

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which means also at some point it was right it was our parents

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job at some point to help us feel like we had a safe place to

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go. We had a place that we belonged. And then there's this

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transition this this childhood to adulthood phase and when I'm

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working with families in the 6570 those 6570 days that were

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that your child is at home around you know, we don't kick

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them out on you know, the day after but you know, it is during

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that time that we are handing them over and so what I find so

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critical is that there is that transfer of power if you will

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power over yourself. And if you don't teach them how to do it at

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home, then on you know that next day when they're out of the

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house, they're gonna be like, well, this is mom's job to make

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me feel belonging and Mom and Dad Mom and Dad aren't here. And

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so therefore I don't feel belonging therefore I am lost

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and everything and I I find that so interesting because a lot of

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people are are a lot of families today and I think we're kind of

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indoctrinated into this like you are there everything until you

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they leave. But then there's no teaching there. There's no

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teaching of how they can live independently on their own and

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be in charge of that emotional side of themselves. And I 100%

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agree that your emotional state, your emotional intellect of

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yourself, and also those around you, and what is what is

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happening around you, is so much more important than the A on the

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test or the you know, I don't know, football trophy, or

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whatever that is. And you'll get there and in such a better way,

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if you have these precursors here. So, okay, so let's break

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into this a little bit. We were, we were chatting a little bit

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about homeschooling before, as many of our listeners know, I

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homeschool three of my kids still I homeschooled all four of

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them for four years. And then I've homeschooled three of them

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for the last three years. Two and a half, I guess. And so with

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COVID happening and all of us i When COVID started going down

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March 13 2020, the world shut down. And then my email box,

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what are in my my text and all my DMs were flooded, because

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they knew that people knew that I homeschooled already. And they

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were like, What in the world do I do? Right? But it was so

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interesting to me, because what I wanted to do was teach people

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how to teach their kids. But most of the questions I was

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getting were what curriculum should I use? What computer do I

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need, right? It was all the logistics. And that lasted not

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just a week or two weeks that lasted for like a year after

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that. And so even a year end people were still asking

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logistics like let me just check the box. Instead of Wait, how do

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I actually have success in doing this. So I would just love to

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know kind of your perspective and your thoughts on all of this

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with helping our kids with emotional intelligence, in

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education inside outside of homeschooling, and therefore

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take it away.

Unknown: 00:17:12

So you know, I think it's really important that we

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talk about homeschooling. So just a little background on me.

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Speaking of March 13 2020, I had actually, so I launched

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developing empathetic education with Dana, it stands for deed,

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because I believe we're always doing deeds in the world. And I

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launched it and I was supposed to have my first in person

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workshop that following Tuesday, so the world shuts down on the

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13th. And my workshops will start on Tuesday. So and to give

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you a little bit of background when I was in the classroom, I

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believed that we learn in every facet of the world. So it's,

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it's in parts, it's in museums, and you know, in coliseums it is

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in the the the big orchestra play room. Like it's just it's

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everywhere we learn everywhere. Yes. And if we keep kids in a

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box, then they will be too scared to get out of that box.

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Yeah, so my whole philosophy on teaching is really truly what

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the homeschooling premise is supposed to be. So let me just

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stop there. That is why I love the homeschooling philosophy

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because it's about real world experiences. Ie my once my kids

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understood how to make Base 10 in kindergarten, we would then

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start going to the grocery store and buying snacks because I

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wanted them to start understanding Well 10 is really

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a dime two nickels is 10 five pennies and a five right you're

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working with real tangible experiences so kids can

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understand the real life benefit behind it. Which is again what

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homeschooling is supposed to be COVID hits everything takes a

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turn I'm now this whole vision that I have is not going to go

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online I've taught online before through facetime when I'm in

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town or out of town or what have you and so this is nothing new

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for me. Zoom was made for me and leading workshops wasn't for me,

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building relationships and connections is my gift is my

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gift. So this was not a strain on me. What was very interesting

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though, was how quick the idea of oh my god, I have to

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homeschool my parent my kids now and actually and I it was almost

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a 40 and slip when I said parents because the parents were

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also having to school themselves on Oh my god. What am I supposed

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to do now? Right? So here it is. The world is trying to figure

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out this online system. We have so much uncertainty going on in

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the world. If you buy something else another curriculum another

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MacBook another fill in the blank. At least I have the

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materials right like so I understand why everyone was

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asking you all the logistics behind it. What the core problem

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though was, it's not about having more materials. And it's

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not about having the latest technology, it's about really

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understanding your child as a learner. And that has been the

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most critical conversation that I've had with every single

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person that I've ever supported, partnered with in the

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homeschooling industry. And similar to what we were talking

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about earlier, if you're, if you don't know, your child is the

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whole being, and you only see your child as the academic, or

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the emotional state, or the, you know, like it just various

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compartments, and I'm not putting a label or limit on it,

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I'm actually just stating, if I only know my child in the

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academic arena, and I know they really, they picked up reading

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really early on, they understand numbers really early, that's

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amazing. But hold on a second, I'm going to keep nourishing

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that area that I know they're so unbelievably strong in, which

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means their deficits are serious deficits, their emotional well

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being their social welfare being their ability to regulate their

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awareness of their self, none of that is worked on. So now you

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have this robotic human coming in arriving intellectually. And

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I'm going to use the word failure intentionally because if

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you don't try, you fail. So you are failing, because you're not

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even trying to do anything in the areas that need to be fed.

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So that is the problem that I see with a homeschooling

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scenario. They have to be emotionally fed, they have to be

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socially fed, they have to be intellectually fed, they have to

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be physically fed, like they have. And when I say physically,

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but it's not just the food is they have to be running around

Unknown: 00:21:45

and moving their body. It's a holistic approach to learning.

Unknown: 00:21:49

And that is the piece that we have to remember, because

Unknown: 00:21:51

homeschooling is not about another curriculum.

Unknown: 00:21:54

It's about Hold on a second. My child is struggling holding a

Unknown: 00:22:00

pencil. Am I paying attention to that? Am I paying attention to

Unknown: 00:22:04

the fact that my child is struggling holding a pencil? Am

Unknown: 00:22:07

I asking someone to help me? Am I seeking out supports for my

Unknown: 00:22:11

child? am I seeking out support to myself so I can help my

Unknown: 00:22:14

child? Or am I saying, Here's a crayon, it's thicker, just use

Unknown: 00:22:18

that. Here's a marker, use that instead, or just confused a

Unknown: 00:22:22

computer, or just type, you're just not talking to a recorder,

Unknown: 00:22:26

you don't need to type out your essay, you don't need to write

Unknown: 00:22:27

your essay, where are we putting band aids? Instead of

Unknown: 00:22:31

supporting? Where are we digging into the realities of what's

Unknown: 00:22:35

really needed? Are we really scared to do the work? In order

Unknown: 00:22:42

to make sure our kids decide? Are we doing what's easier for

Unknown: 00:22:46

us? Because now I'm validated my my kids thriving, quote,

Unknown: 00:22:52

unquote, my kids behaving quote, unquote. So my kids thriving,

Unknown: 00:22:58

and everyone is validated. But at the end of the day, there's

Unknown: 00:23:01

no validation. Because can your kid go outside and be

Unknown: 00:23:06

independent, and your child go introduce themselves to a new

Unknown: 00:23:11

person on the playground? Or even just go play with someone

Unknown: 00:23:13

on the playground that they don't know? Can your child go in

Unknown: 00:23:17

to a college interview and talk about their passions and

Unknown: 00:23:20

purpose? Without you sitting next to them? Can your child

Unknown: 00:23:26

actually go off to college and not make all A's because they

Unknown: 00:23:33

are committed to doing the uncomfortable, which means going

Unknown: 00:23:37

to a party, or going to lunch with a friend or going to a club

Unknown: 00:23:44

meeting that they've always been curious about, but have never

Unknown: 00:23:48

had the opportunity to explore. And that's when you know whether

Unknown: 00:23:52

or not we're thriving. But until we're doing all of those

Unknown: 00:23:55

different components for kids, we have to be really

Unknown: 00:23:59

conscientious about it. And I also want to be very clear on

Unknown: 00:24:01

this. This has to happen in real schools to real school, meaning

Unknown: 00:24:04

the four walls of a building where you go and take your kid

Unknown: 00:24:07

to school. I have an educator, multiple educators they're being

Unknown: 00:24:12

assessed and aware of and all the things it's not your child's

Unknown: 00:24:16

getting an aid so the teachers doing a great job. It's okay,

Unknown: 00:24:20

your child's getting an A what, what else do I need to do for

Unknown: 00:24:22

your child? Your child's already gotten them a they've mastered

Unknown: 00:24:25

this subject. Great. What else do I need to do to help and

Unknown: 00:24:30

stretch and expand? And I will speak to this intentionally

Unknown: 00:24:34

because before we were talking and you're talking about your

Unknown: 00:24:36

daughter, how she was going to a gifted and talented school that

Unknown: 00:24:40

you guys had to pay for. I started one of the most coveted

Unknown: 00:24:43

gifted and talented programs in New York City on my own not

Unknown: 00:24:47

having a curriculum not knowing what I was jumping into. I even

Unknown: 00:24:50

was certified and gifted and talented because I was curious

Unknown: 00:24:53

about it. And that is the word I want to give to all of you guys.

Unknown: 00:24:57

You have to be curious. You have to Live curiously, in order to

Unknown: 00:25:02

discover, and store in order to release the judgments on your

Unknown: 00:25:06

expectations of what's supposed to happen, and get curious about

Unknown: 00:25:10

what is happening. That's amazing that your daughter's

Unknown: 00:25:13

reading it for? Well, let's get curious about what else we need

Unknown: 00:25:17

to do for her. So she can holistically Thrive it for not

Unknown: 00:25:21

just so you can go and tell your friends that she's reading for,

Unknown: 00:25:24

let's look at your 18 year old and congratulate them and

Unknown: 00:25:29

celebrate them that they got through. They're now going off

Unknown: 00:25:33

to college, that they're willing to take rapid test every single

Unknown: 00:25:37

day so they can walk into a classroom. How are they

Unknown: 00:25:41

emotionally feeling right now? Did you encourage them to take a

Unknown: 00:25:44

mental health day and just go sit in the sun under a tree and

Unknown: 00:25:47

made a buck of their own choice instead of running off to join

Unknown: 00:25:50

another committee for the resume. So we have to really

Unknown: 00:25:54

look at everything, instead of just making these prescribed

Unknown: 00:26:01

scenarios for ourselves. And so that's really what it comes down

Unknown: 00:26:05

to the emotional intelligence, the self awareness, it starts

Unknown: 00:26:09

with the parent. And it starts with how much my overscheduling

Unknown: 00:26:12

my kid? How much am I doing to make sure that I check off my

Unknown: 00:26:18

own boxes as a parent? How much am I really stepping back, and

Unknown: 00:26:24

allowing my child to live their authentic journey for

Unknown: 00:26:29

themselves? And these are questions parents are scared to

Unknown: 00:26:32

ask.

Nellie Harden: 00:26:33

Very, very. And I feel like too, it's so it's part

Nellie Harden: 00:26:38

of the the paradigm of parenting is that we were raised in a

Nellie Harden: 00:26:43

different era with different ideals of what parenting was

Nellie Harden: 00:26:48

then today. I mean, and this has been going on since parenting

Nellie Harden: 00:26:51

began, right. And so I think about, you know, me, I grew up

Nellie Harden: 00:26:56

in the 80s. And it was very different than in the 80s. Huge

Nellie Harden: 00:27:03

because it was pre internet, right? And pre social media. If

Nellie Harden: 00:27:08

you wanted some more, you know, someone you had to call the home

Nellie Harden: 00:27:10

phone in order to have a conversation with your voice,

Nellie Harden: 00:27:14

right? And then it is just so much different today and helping

Nellie Harden: 00:27:20

them so helping parents learn alongside their children as

Nellie Harden: 00:27:26

they're learning. That's what takes so much vulnerability to

Nellie Harden: 00:27:29

right. Yes, yes, yes. And human connection is human connection,

Nellie Harden: 00:27:33

whether it is you know, through a text or through a phone call

Nellie Harden: 00:27:37

or face to face. And so no matter what your kid is going

Nellie Harden: 00:27:40

through, you have a story, you have something in your past that

Nellie Harden: 00:27:45

you can bring to light and just be like, I can understand this

Nellie Harden: 00:27:50

feeling that you're having and really step into that right not

Nellie Harden: 00:27:52

sympathy, but empathy, really step into that with them, and go

Nellie Harden: 00:27:57

through it, go through it with them, and it will help you more

Nellie Harden: 00:28:00

understand too. So

Unknown: 00:28:03

really important that you share that because I think,

Unknown: 00:28:05

um, I use Halloween as the easiest frame of reference. I

Unknown: 00:28:11

actually truly don't like Halloween, and it's not about

Unknown: 00:28:15

the costumes. It's about the masks, masks and and paint on

Unknown: 00:28:21

the face. It's it just scares me. It's like, what's behind

Unknown: 00:28:25

there? Why are you too scared to show me what's happening? And

Unknown: 00:28:28

that is me being an empath. That is me feeling the world so

Unknown: 00:28:31

deeply. And that's also me knowing my work and my passion

Unknown: 00:28:35

and myself. So originally, all that being said, it's easy for

Unknown: 00:28:40

me to share this point. Referencing Halloween. We love

Unknown: 00:28:44

Halloween. Why? Because we get to put on a costume and be

Unknown: 00:28:47

someone else. Yeah. Why? Because we get to hide an armor up and a

Unknown: 00:28:51

whole new way and a whole new suit. And we don't have to be

Unknown: 00:28:55

the person that you see on regular. The more that we can

Unknown: 00:29:03

take off the costumes, the more we can disarm and let our

Unknown: 00:29:09

emotions flow and show our kids that we feel emotion, anger,

Unknown: 00:29:19

rage, joy, sadness, empathy, compassion, the more the

Unknown: 00:29:26

children will to so that when they get to the boardroom,

Unknown: 00:29:32

they're not having to learn all the skills that they needed to

Unknown: 00:29:36

learn in the playroom. Yes, and that is the disconnect. The

Unknown: 00:29:42

connection with your child is the most essential connection

Unknown: 00:29:45

you can ever have. When we think about a baby in the womb, how is

Unknown: 00:29:49

it thriving with the umbilical cord? It is the bridge. When the

Unknown: 00:29:55

baby comes into the world, the bridge is cut physically cut it

Unknown: 00:30:00

is now our emotional commitment, social commitment to keep that

Unknown: 00:30:07

bridge intact. And one of my favorite invitations that

Unknown: 00:30:13

parents asked me to help live, or having the uncomfortable

Unknown: 00:30:17

conversations, how do I get back to my child? How do I really

Unknown: 00:30:22

understand what they're going through right now? And we don't

Unknown: 00:30:25

get to use the pandemic as an excuse? Because if not a people

Unknown: 00:30:29

that went from oh my god, this is so scary. I hate my life,

Unknown: 00:30:33

too. It's actually really nice not to be so overscheduled to

Unknown: 00:30:36

over scheduling again. Yeah, the amount of conversations that

Unknown: 00:30:40

I've had to have from September of 2021. Until December 31 of

Unknown: 00:30:46

2021. About stop over scheduling your kids. Yeah. Why do you

Unknown: 00:30:53

think they're having breakdowns again? Why do you think you're

Unknown: 00:30:57

discovering that they're drinking more in high school?

Unknown: 00:30:59

Why do you think your daughter came home and told you that her

Unknown: 00:31:03

best friend started smoking pot in ninth grade on a regular

Unknown: 00:31:07

basis? We've got to really get back down to brass tacks. What

Unknown: 00:31:11

are we doing to feed the anxiety? And it's over

Unknown: 00:31:17

scheduling. It's not having the conversations. And it's the

Unknown: 00:31:20

pressurizing that we're consistently going and going and

Unknown: 00:31:23

going and going. And that is the one lesson the pandemic was

Unknown: 00:31:27

intended to teach us. It was intended to teach us not to

Unknown: 00:31:31

socially distance, not to social distance, it was taught to teach

Unknown: 00:31:36

us to physically distance ourselves from other people, and

Unknown: 00:31:40

socially gather, socially, come back together through zoom,

Unknown: 00:31:46

speaking of technology, through zoom through FaceTime, through

Unknown: 00:31:49

texting, through any modality that you possibly can have. So

Unknown: 00:31:52

you can build that rich connection. Because without the

Unknown: 00:31:57

connection, why are we even here? What is our purpose? And

Unknown: 00:32:01

that has has to be remembered.

Nellie Harden: 00:32:03

Know? Exactly, exactly. And you, you touched on

Nellie Harden: 00:32:07

a couple of things in there. But before we close out today, I

Nellie Harden: 00:32:11

really want to dive in on the whole new labels thing. Because

Nellie Harden: 00:32:17

I feel like this is so so so huge, and it weighs so much on

Nellie Harden: 00:32:22

my heart that every kid today I feel like feels that they have

Nellie Harden: 00:32:28

to have a label, which is so weird, because you're reading

Nellie Harden: 00:32:32

out there. Don't label me don't label me by the way, um, this

Nellie Harden: 00:32:37

label, what label are you? And it's like, what? What do you

Nellie Harden: 00:32:41

mean?

Unknown: 00:32:42

I love this conversation. I actually I had

Unknown: 00:32:44

this conversation with so many so many. And it's probably one

Unknown: 00:32:48

of my favorites. Yeah. Here's a funny story for you. So yes, I'm

Unknown: 00:32:54

hyper. Yes, I'm relate to a lot of things. Yes, my mind can

Unknown: 00:32:58

drift off. Those are interesting, if you want to look

Unknown: 00:33:03

at it and start making a list. Okay. So here it is, why am I

Unknown: 00:33:07

thriving as a kindergarten teacher, because I'm with

Unknown: 00:33:09

kindergarteners that have a little bit less energy than me.

Unknown: 00:33:13

So I am writing, we are going on anywhere from 60 to 80 field

Unknown: 00:33:17

trips a year. We're running around New York City, we're

Unknown: 00:33:20

running around wherever we're going. I'm getting back to

Unknown: 00:33:22

school at 239 school into 240. The kids are exhausted, but I

Unknown: 00:33:26

don't pay I'm still like running around. I am there my quote

Unknown: 00:33:29

unquote medicine. I did not find out I was not actually diagnosed

Unknown: 00:33:34

with ADHD until three weeks before I left the classroom in

Unknown: 00:33:37

2018 in June. Okay, so how comical is this? So I'm going I

Unknown: 00:33:43

went to go and have a medicine check. Because I do have anxiety

Unknown: 00:33:47

and my therapist is like, and I was dealing with severe IBS. And

Unknown: 00:33:49

she's like, I want you to go and just make sure everything is is

Unknown: 00:33:53

copacetic. And we're really taking care of all we're

Unknown: 00:33:55

checking in all arenas, going back to self awareness. Don't

Unknown: 00:33:59

just put a bandaid on, don't just slap it on with medicine

Unknown: 00:34:02

and think you're okay, you've got to really stay on top of

Unknown: 00:34:04

every aspect of your human self to make sure you're thriving. So

Unknown: 00:34:09

I go in, and I have this conversation with a

Unknown: 00:34:11

psychiatrist. And he's like, tell me about your learning. And

Unknown: 00:34:15

within three minutes, he's like, You are so classic ADHD, and

Unknown: 00:34:18

like, seriously, stick another posted on me. It's totally cool.

Unknown: 00:34:22

I am not enough. I'm not smart enough. I'm not this and he's

Unknown: 00:34:26

like, no, no, I'm being serious with you. And I was like, wait,

Unknown: 00:34:29

what? I was like, I always tell people I have ADHD. He's like,

Unknown: 00:34:32

I'm not kidding with you. I was like, Ah, well, whatever. It's

Unknown: 00:34:38

my superpower. I can do so many things with it. Right? So this

Unknown: 00:34:41

whole time. I had never been on meds. I never done anything for

Unknown: 00:34:45

ADHD. Now I do take medicine for ADHD. And it is monitored

Unknown: 00:34:49

intentionally ADHD. I have ADHD. ADHD does not have me. I know

Unknown: 00:34:58

that it is my superpower. Because I if you literally, I

Unknown: 00:35:03

have like a zillion markers, I have 15 colors posted around me,

Unknown: 00:35:07

my planner is so strategic. No one else would ever understand

Nellie Harden: 00:35:12

describing my desk right now.

Unknown: 00:35:14

No one would ever understand it. Why? Because I

Unknown: 00:35:17

had to teach myself coping mechanisms. So what do I do now

Unknown: 00:35:20

for kids, I teach them about their executive functioning

Unknown: 00:35:25

button at the frontal cortex of their brain, and how they can

Unknown: 00:35:28

help themselves. So when we look at labels and limits, it's, I

Unknown: 00:35:35

need to have a diagnosis. So I know how I need to learn. I need

Unknown: 00:35:40

a diagnosis. So I know I can thrive, you're not going to tell

Unknown: 00:35:44

a diabetic not to go in and find out that they have diabetes and

Unknown: 00:35:47

just keep giving them sugar. Right, you're not going to go

Unknown: 00:35:51

and give a nonverbal autistic child, you're not going to take

Unknown: 00:35:56

them to the park and leave them on their own. Right, right. We

Unknown: 00:36:01

have to have these diagnosis, we have to know what is going on.

Unknown: 00:36:05

We are ignorant, ignorant is not bliss. denial, denial is the

Unknown: 00:36:12

worst medicine any of us can ever take. So when it comes down

Unknown: 00:36:16

to labels and limits, you are limiting yourself, you are

Unknown: 00:36:20

limiting your child by not finding out what they need. The

Unknown: 00:36:24

label component is the miracle. The amount of kids that can now

Unknown: 00:36:30

have speech services, the amount of kids that can now know why

Unknown: 00:36:34

they're not able to hold a pencil, because they need

Unknown: 00:36:37

occupational therapy to build fine motor muscles in their

Unknown: 00:36:40

hands. Why is my child still drooling at nine? Oh, they have

Unknown: 00:36:45

low tone in their mouth, maybe they need to go see somebody, a

Unknown: 00:36:49

speech therapist to help them build up the muscles in their

Unknown: 00:36:52

face, right? These diagnosis are intentional. They are not to

Unknown: 00:36:57

limit you. They are to empower you. They are to be your

Unknown: 00:37:00

powerful source to know exactly what you personally need in

Unknown: 00:37:05

order to thrive. The diagnosis is a seed. If you want to water

Unknown: 00:37:12

it as a label. That's your responsibility to pay attention

Unknown: 00:37:18

to why as a parent, as an educator, it is an excuse. It is

Unknown: 00:37:24

an excuse and it is an excuse I no longer will I tell people

Unknown: 00:37:30

thank you for waiting for me if I'm a few minutes late. I tell

Unknown: 00:37:32

people thank you. I got lost, I was completely focused on a

Unknown: 00:37:36

task. I'm not apologizing. I'm letting you know that at the

Unknown: 00:37:40

time still doesn't work for you. I totally get it can make

Unknown: 00:37:42

another day. Yesterday, I had a phone date, like literally a

Unknown: 00:37:48

phone date with a friend that we had to book three weeks ago,

Unknown: 00:37:50

okay. I'm talking to this man about diversity, equity

Unknown: 00:37:53

inclusion, because my passion in the world is to create an

Unknown: 00:37:56

accessible space for all to feel included, accessible, and a rich

Unknown: 00:38:02

sense of belonging. The world's diverse, it's always going to be

Unknown: 00:38:05

diverse. That's what it is. I'm a trailblazer in what I'm doing.

Unknown: 00:38:08

No one's doing it for children. They're only doing it for high

Unknown: 00:38:11

schoolers, grad students college and into the workspace. Why are

Unknown: 00:38:15

we starting there? It makes no sense. We need to be doing it

Unknown: 00:38:18

younger. That is what I do. So excited about the conversation

Unknown: 00:38:21

I'm having with this man yesterday. That was literally my

Unknown: 00:38:24

girlfriend texted me twice. Are you coming on? Are we having our

Unknown: 00:38:27

date? I was like, really gotta go? Because the conversation was

Unknown: 00:38:30

so amazing. Yesterday, I looked at the guy and I was like, I'm

Unknown: 00:38:33

on fire right now. Can I talk to you more? And so we talked this

Unknown: 00:38:37

morning before? I guess. And I literally he's like, okay, so so

Unknown: 00:38:42

he's an hour behind? Seems like so I'll see you at 930 I was

Unknown: 00:38:44

like no, cuz that's 1030 my time and I have to be on the 11 If

Unknown: 00:38:47

you talk so much yesterday, I know we're going to talk so much

Unknown: 00:38:49

more. Right? Be mindful. Be mindful of what your needs are.

Unknown: 00:38:56

And that's where we diminish the labels and limits and celebrate

Unknown: 00:39:01

ourselves as the powerhouses that we were meant to be.

Nellie Harden: 00:39:05

Love it. Yeah, you're just adding to your

Nellie Harden: 00:39:08

toolbox, right? You know what project you're building then.

Nellie Harden: 00:39:11

And you can add to your toolbox accordingly after that.

Unknown: 00:39:14

Yeah. And if I may also offer this to parents, it's

Unknown: 00:39:18

really important that you honor yourself and know that you've

Unknown: 00:39:22

done nothing wrong. When a child comes out with a learning

Unknown: 00:39:29

difference, it's not because you did something wrong. It's not

Unknown: 00:39:32

because your DNA is screwed up. It's because it's like it was

Unknown: 00:39:37

meant to be and there's a learning process to this and you

Unknown: 00:39:40

are all going to grow stronger together. If you look at it as

Unknown: 00:39:44

it happening for us, for us instead of to us. Get yourself

Unknown: 00:39:50

out of the victim mode and get yourself into the power house.

Unknown: 00:39:54

The right and human that you are be the thought leader, be the

Unknown: 00:39:58

creative leader be the hero If you want to be, because the more

Unknown: 00:40:02

you as parents do that, the more your children will freely do it.

Unknown: 00:40:06

And that's the scariest part, your appearance. And watch so

Unknown: 00:40:11

quickly again, going back to, you know, the conversation about

Unknown: 00:40:14

my mom, I could feel it in my heart as she like, I felt her

Unknown: 00:40:18

thinking that she had done something wrong. She did the

Unknown: 00:40:21

best that she could. My parents did the absolute best that they

Unknown: 00:40:25

could they still do the absolute best they can. You know, I mean,

Unknown: 00:40:29

my dad's like, Do you need some money? I'm like, No, I'm good. I

Unknown: 00:40:31

start like, it's like, I'm in college, right? And I'm like,

Unknown: 00:40:35

yes, sometimes I talk really fast, like I was just a minute

Unknown: 00:40:38

ago, because I get so excited. And I'm so passionate about my

Unknown: 00:40:41

work. And then I slow down. And I really sit in what I'm saying.

Unknown: 00:40:45

And I really hope that your listeners will sit in what I'm

Unknown: 00:40:48

sharing right now, as parents, your job is to create a safe,

Unknown: 00:40:53

healthy environment for your child to thrive. And if you

Unknown: 00:40:57

personally, are not taking care of yourself, if you personally

Unknown: 00:41:01

are not taking a timeout for yourself, to go for a walk to go

Unknown: 00:41:05

outside and scream because you've got this like rage

Unknown: 00:41:08

inside. And you just need to get it out of your body for you not

Unknown: 00:41:13

to have a glass of wine with your friends, for you to

Unknown: 00:41:17

completely disconnect from everyone else. Because you think

Unknown: 00:41:20

your children are the only focal point in your life aside from

Unknown: 00:41:23

your job. You're only hurting yourself. Because what happens

Unknown: 00:41:28

on 6751?

Nellie Harden: 00:41:32

Exactly, exactly. Yeah. Oh, my goodness, well, I

Nellie Harden: 00:41:37

could I could have this be a four hour podcast. And

Nellie Harden: 00:41:43

hopefully, we'll get together and we will definitely talk

Nellie Harden: 00:41:46

again and teach together again. But I just want to thank you for

Nellie Harden: 00:41:50

being on here. I have taken copious notes, and just for my

Nellie Harden: 00:41:55

own self and our own family, and I'm so glad that you are working

Nellie Harden: 00:41:59

in the Children and Family sector in all of these important

Nellie Harden: 00:42:03

topics. And it's just it's an honor to be sitting with you

Nellie Harden: 00:42:07

today and be able to have this conversation. So thank you so

Nellie Harden: 00:42:10

much for being here. Can you tell us real quick where

Nellie Harden: 00:42:13

everyone can find you? Yes, well, first of all, I

Unknown: 00:42:15

want to thank you. Because it's it's creating

Unknown: 00:42:18

platforms like what you're doing, for experts like myself

Unknown: 00:42:22

to come on and really share how we can shift the paradigm.

Unknown: 00:42:26

Instead of talking about the problem, we give actionable

Unknown: 00:42:29

steps. And the more action we take, the better oil is going to

Unknown: 00:42:33

be. So I really want to thank you for inviting me to come on.

Unknown: 00:42:36

Now. You can find me on LinkedIn, I'm on LinkedIn, and

Unknown: 00:42:40

I'm on my website, David Kaplan. teach.com. I'm also on social

Unknown: 00:42:44

media. I'm on Instagram, you can find me there and on Facebook.

Unknown: 00:42:49

And I'm yeah, I'm all over the world actually.

Nellie Harden: 00:42:55

Are we all today? Aren't we all today? Oh, my

Nellie Harden: 00:42:58

goodness. Well, thank you again for having us on listeners,

Nellie Harden: 00:43:03

parent Ark, or family architects that are listening, you are

Nellie Harden: 00:43:07

building the beginning of someone else's life that is what

Nellie Harden: 00:43:10

we are doing as parents. And we are doing the best we can with

Nellie Harden: 00:43:13

what we have. And the more we know, the more we can put into

Nellie Harden: 00:43:16

action and be better for it. So thank you, again for being on.

Nellie Harden: 00:43:20

Thank you listeners for listening. And I will check in

Nellie Harden: 00:43:23

and see you next week. Thank you so much for listening today. And

Nellie Harden: 00:43:28

I hope you were able to take something from our discussion

Nellie Harden: 00:43:31

that you can use to build the foundation of self love

Nellie Harden: 00:43:34

leadership in your own family. If you are a parent with

Nellie Harden: 00:43:38

children 17 or younger, and especially those around nine and

Nellie Harden: 00:43:42

up, I would love to extend an invitation to you to the best

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club in town. The family architects Club is a private

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club where intentional parents go that want to love support,

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connect or reconnect and really truly help guide their kids and

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teach them how to self lead in discipline and leadership. This

Nellie Harden: 00:44:03

is an online community and the you are welcome to it. Parenting

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is a project and you are the architect of this one. You plan

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you design and oversee the construction of the beginning of

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someone else's life. And that's what goes into these first 6570

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days. And it will be the foundation for the rest of their

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lives. So come join the club. You can find your invitation on

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the front page of my website Nelly hardin.com that is n e ll

Nellie Harden: 00:44:34

ie H AR di n.com. Thank you again for being a part of this

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conversation today. And if something really resonated with

Nellie Harden: 00:44:42

you, or if you have a question, please don't hesitate to connect

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with me. You can find me on Instagram at Nelly Hardin. And

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lastly if you love the information please please leave

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a five star review and a comment so more and more families can be

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impacted by harnessing the strength of these ideas and

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tools in their own families. So thank you so much. Happy

Nellie Harden: 00:45:04

building you guys and I'll see you next week.