Episode 56

Published on:

24th Aug 2022

When Building Your Teen: First Comes Worth, Then Comes Esteem

Raising a child is big work and we all get a surprise in the middle of it all when it shifts from the needs of the first half to the different and more specific needs of the second half.

It is easy to get flustered, lost, and frustrated as a parent (and child) during these years, but there is a sequence of steps, a path, all uniquely walked by each parent, that takes you through their needs and builds what they need before they leave home.

In this episode, we walk through the first couple of steps of this more unknown (2nd half of childhood) path and what you can do to help your daughter become a person who knows their worth and values and appreciates themselves in this world.

About the Host:

Nellie Harden is a wife of 20+ years, mom to 4 teen/tween daughters, dreamer, adventurer, servant, multipreneur, forever student, and a devoted teacher, but her ride-or-die passion is her work as a Family Life Coach & Mentor. 

Coming from a career background in marine mammal sciences, behavioral work, and a host of big life experiences, both great and not some not so great, she decided that designing a life of purpose and freedom was how she and her husband, along with their 4 daughters, wanted to live. 

Her work and passions exist in the realms of family and parent mentorship because she believes that a family filled with creativity, fun, laughter, challenge, adventure, problem-solving, hugs, good food, and learning can not only change a person’s life but is the best chance at positively changing the world. 

She helps families build Self-Led Discipline™ & Leadership Into their homes, sets their children up for a wildly successful life on their terms, and elevates the family experience with big joy, palpable peace, and everyday growth!

With a lifelong passion and curiosity in thought, choice, behavior, and growth she has found incredible joy in helping families shift perspective, find answers, and a path forward.


(Nellie has been coaching families for over 10 years and has degrees in Biology, Animal Behavior and Psychology. ) 



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Online Community- https://www.facebook.com/groups/the6570project

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Nellie Harden:

Hello and welcome to the 6570 family project podcast. If you are a parent of a tween teen or somewhere on the way, this is exactly the place for you. This is the playground for parents who want to raise their kids with intention, strength and joy. Come and hear all the discussions, get all the tactics and have lots of laughs along the way. We will dive into the real challenges and raising kids today how to show up as parents and teach your kids how to show up as members of the family and individuals of the world. My name is Nellie Harden, big city girl turns small towns sipping iced tea on the front porch mama, who loves igniting transformation in the hearts and minds of families by helping them build selfless discipline and leadership that elevates the family experience. And sets the kids up with a rock solid foundation, they can launch their life on all before they ever leave home. This is the 6570 family project. Let's go

Nellie Harden:

Hello, and welcome to another episode of the 6570 family project podcast where you guys we are putting aside all of these power struggles that come with parenting our teens and our tweens that second half of childhood. And we're really finding the path toward leading our young women especially but all of our children toward their self worth their self esteem, their self confidence, all of that that they need in order to prepare them to go out into the world. Right. And today, I really want to talk to you about how how to build I mean, essentially that is it. So there is a sequence in that it isn't just a haphazard, it isn't just survival mode. How do we actually build our kids toward the end of this 6570, which the 6570 If you've never listened to this podcast before is how many days are in 18 years. So that's really our, our parenthood childhood window that we have there. Yes, you will always be a parent but the dynamic after the 6570 or there abouts not everyone graduates and gets kicked out on their 18th birthday, of course, but they're about after they do leave home or after they have graduated high school or gone on to whatever they're going to go on to the dynamic changes. And you're not necessarily in the same physical, mental, emotional, spiritual space with you being a guidance leader for them as you were before right. Now you're more of a lighthouse, you are more of a consultant they come to you when they need something, you reach out occasionally you're there if they're in a storm, so to speak. But when it comes to this parenthood childhood dynamic, that does have an expiration date on it, right? So think about this, when you are in school, there is a path from K through 12. Or I'm in the United States, we call it kindergarten, which is a preschool. My guess preschool comes before kindergarten and then all the way through all the steps through 12th grade. If you're listening in any other country, you understand education has its path, right? And when you have a job, there is a path from being the newbie, right? You're you're working wherever you're working to wherever you're going to go later on. And when you build a marriage, there is a path from friendship and getting to know one another and, and more and more trust and love and marriage. Right. Hopefully, there's some of those shows that are on today where you meet your spouse at the altar. I'm not going to say always, because there's always an exception that that is the one thing I can always say is there's always an exception, but 99.999 infinity, that does not work. Why because you don't have that base there. But when you're building a person, which is what we're all doing as parents, there's also a path there too. And just as every relationship is unique to its details, the basic steps are also unique to you and how you do that. So many of you know I call parents, family architects because we are literally building the beginning of someone else's life. That's a big job right? The 6570 family project is our project as a family architect. Now is it our only project in our lives if we are a parent? No, absolutely not. But when it comes to being a family architect and raising a another person building the beginning of their life that all of their foundation is going to be built on this 6575 Only project is our greatest project in that realm. So when we are there, you start being there everything right at the beginning, you are there everything and you are serving their needs. And then in the first half of childhood, you are building their sense of security, right there security of you, your family, their surroundings, their world, it is the essence of really raw and Native trust that you are building right there, right. Truth and trust are what many relationships are built on when they're younger. I mean, truth is, you know, I did brush my teeth, I actually didn't brush my teeth, right, that kind of trust, we're teaching them those things, but our truth, we're teaching them those things, but the trust is really, really being established in those first years. But then comes the second half of childhood, and you're like, what is happening, right? You have gotten used to this, I tell you what to do, and you do it mentality, right? You've gotten used to, you learn everything from me pretty much if they're if they go to school outside of the home, then they might have a you know, a teacher or, or this or that. But in general, for the most part in that first half of childhood, they're learning almost everything from you, right? Maybe not the capitals of the States or the provinces or what have you. But they're learning a lot of things from you. You're also used to when you are in my presence, right? I am in charge, or I'm in charge of where you are, most of the time, if you work outside of the home, you know where they are, you know who's taking care of them, you have taken care of that, and set that up so you know where they are. And you also know they have really big emotions. Let's be honest, our kids in the first half of childhood, they have really big emotions, right? But you've kind of honed in your skills on how to help for the most part, it's kind of like when a baby comes home. And that first while you're like, I don't know, especially with the first one, right? But then after a while, you're like, Oh, I know what that cry means. I know what that cry means. I know what that cry means. It doesn't mean that they're not crying. It just means that you know what to do better. And that's the same throughout that first half of childhood, right? But now, second half of childhood comes in Great Transition comes right. And there's more time away from the house. There's more influences, there are more pressures, there are more decisions placed on them. And you there are more opinions, right? More thoughts, more behavior and emotional swings, and those physical changes that do come with the second half of childhood. So you knew exactly what they wanted. But now you don't. And you are so many parents are going oh, I don't know, I was so scared of this, this era, and I don't know what to do. And I'm just going to go into survival mode. I'm going to ask them, you know how school was they say fine, good. Check the box. They're getting an A in school. Great. Check the box. We're all good. Right? Not exactly the case. I so I have four daughters. For those of you that don't know, who are all in this era, they are between 12 and 17 right now. And I remember when I had four daughters in four and a half years, when I was younger, the I mean, there were two phrases that were coined the most it was, Wow, you have your hands full. Right? That was a big one. And second was you just wait until those teen years you just wait, it's going to be awful, right? Your hair's gonna turn white, you're gonna have a nervous breakdown all the things and I was like, Gee thinks, you know, I have all these babies now and you're making me dread a future that I am pretty sure is not going to come to fruition if I have anything to say about it, because I'm going to actually like my kids. So and I think all parents try to or do again, can't say all but love their kids, but the liking them that can come and go a little bit as teens for many families, but I'm telling you, it doesn't need to. So parenting is not done. As you can imagine, at nine or 10 years old. We are just turning a corner from mostly or solely nurturing, to now guiding and teaching them how to be in this world. You can think of it like adult education, if you will. They take driver's education, again, a sequence process. This is a car this is a steering wheel. This is what you do. This is a turn signal all these things and then they get to go out well in the second half of childhood. This is adult education so that they aren't blindsided and crash when they get into adulthood.

Nellie Harden:

So most people can agree that the middle grades are hard, right? Very hard the middle of

Nellie Harden:

we call it middle school here, junior high, middle grades, whatever you want to call it. Most people can agree that they're really hard, right? You had to establish who you were inside of elementary school. And now you're thrust into a new physical world, a new psychological world, a new social world, and you have no idea what's going on. And to top it all off, icing on the cake, your brain, their brain, I'm talking about the kids hear is under big construction. So thinking isn't all it's cracked up to be? Yet they have adults telling them what they should and shouldn't do all the time. And questioning why in the world? Did you make that choice, right, and getting really power struggling with them. Not a word, not a phrase, but we're going to use it here power struggling. And so that is what is happening there. And much like being taken from all you know, just think about this for a second, much like being taken from all you know, and dropped off in a foreign speaking country that you've never been to before, know landmarks that you understand or can recognize, and you feel like you have to re establish yourself. So how can we help them? That's the big question. How can we help them during this because they're feeling like they need to reestablish themselves, they're grasping around, they're having all of these big thoughts, big feelings, big behaviors, and you feel a little lost, they definitely feel lost. So what do we do? Well, first, they need to establish their worth you guys worth if there's a couple words I want you to get out of here. This is the first one worth. And they do that through their basic but very, very amplified, we are in the teen and tween years. Second half of childhood here, everything is amplified. So first, they need to establish their worth through this. They're very basic, but amplified human needs being met. Okay, so what are these human needs right there, you have them to if you're listening to this, you have them to, you want to be heard, you want to be seen, you want to be loved, you want to belong somewhere to something, and you want to have a purpose. Okay? Those are the five basic needs that are so big and blown up astronomically during these teen and tween years. And if you do not have the guide yet, you guys, it is called the five things your teen daughter needs right now. And the simple ways you can give them to her go download it ASAP. In there, I will define the simple ways that you can fulfill these complex and very big needs of your child. And that is over at Nellie hardin.com/five needs the five is the number five, no capitals in there. So Nellie harden.com/five needs no spaces. No uppercase at all. And the five is actually the number five nollie hardened.com/five needs. Okay, so like in any path. You don't just think about all those paths we talked about earlier education, job marriage, right? You don't just drop what was to pick up what is right. You don't forget about simple addition. When you go into calculus, you carry and you practice as as you're going along, right there is a sequence to the path. So the first part second half of childhood, but the first part in there was What was that word worth? It was worth you guys, we need to have that be established and working and that the cogs of the wheels going, we aren't going to it isn't going to be one of those things like Oh, we did all the things they must have worth. So we are not going to do any of that anymore. No, you keep practicing, you keep using right. But then the second part of the sequence there is esteem. Now self esteem is value and appreciation of yourself. And the best way to grow and appreciation and value of yourself is to do the think feel do in a direction that is actually in line with your values and moves you toward your desired outcome that serves your ambitions. I'm going to read that one more time or say that one more time, so you can take it in I'll be real slow. So self esteem is value and appreciation of yourself if I don't stumble over my words, their value and appreciation of yourself and the best way to grow in value and appreciate should love yourself is to think, feel and do in a direction that's in line with your values and moves you toward your desired outcome that serves your ambitions. Right? So in their very under construction brains right now, I mean, think about it during in utero, they're under construction during the toddler years, they're under construction. And during the teen years, they're under construction. Now we are with them, interacting with them anyway, during the in utero stage, they are nice and tucked away. But during the toddler and team, guess what, they are very much there. And I think you would agree to that toddler and teen years are the most challenging, right, in order to get it all. So their brains are under construction. And this requires so in order to establish his worth, and then definitely esteem, require some very intentional guiding steps in teaching them how to walk with the think, feel and do path, especially today. Why? Because they have more distractions, they have more influences influencers, right and pressures than we've ever faced before for our teens and tweens. The time that they're in our adolescence is stretched out further than it has in a long time. If you've listened to previous podcast, I was interviewing, and we were talking about how the years of adolescents are stretched now between six years old and 32 years old, now are some going to get out of adolescence before 32 Goodness, I hope so. But on average, in the United States, it's six to 32. Whereas in our past human history, it's been about six months long, it's been about two years long. Now it is six to 32 years old, so that adolescents time is being stretched really far. And it just impregnated stuffed full of all of these distractions and influences and pressures. So that is why it's different for teens and tweens today than it has been in the past. And we want to make sure by the time they leave home, they are a self disciplined leader of themselves, they are ready for adulthood. So they need to halt and slow down that cycle, which can go so fast that they are doing actions, quote unquote, I wasn't even thinking about it or without even thinking about it. And then they have a consequence to serve up after that, right? Oh, I did that. I didn't even think about it. But I just did it right. Well, that's exactly what we want to help them do. We want them to halt. And we want to help them have an actual cycle that they can go through with stop signs along the way through the thinking feeling and doing so hold stands for her aligning life thoughts but that doesn't matter as much as the process itself. And I want to teach you this exact process but it's frankly way too big to put on to a podcast. So I want to invite you to the Ignite her joy parenting workshop, all about building your daughter's mental wellness during these years by what proactively teaching them how to think in a way that builds them toward their value and appreciation of themselves. It's exactly what we're going to do. This is a completely free complimentary and completely priceless and I want to see you and frankly everyone that you know that has a daughter between nine and 18 in the room because this is vital work that is going to be done during this workshop you guys teaching giving you have the tools to walk through and teach your daughter your child how to think in a way that sends them toward value and appreciation of themselves. Who you guys priceless information. So go grab all the details. It's at Nellie hardin.com/ignite Nellie hardin.com/ignite I G and it II. So I have a friend I would just want to like give a caveat here so I have a friend that is hiking the 80 or the Appalachian Trail right now. And she started in January and she'll actually conclude in August and right now are the 80 or the Appalachian Trail is right under 2200 miles. That is a lot of walking on your on your feet a lot of a lot of walking time right there. But everything that she has learned in the journey she has collected and then put to use and practiced to make her a stronger person in F Marie way, when she crosses that last mile line, she has followed a sequence from state to state and another after another along the way and she is finishing a different person a more growth or I'm sorry grown person, then she started with it would be impossible not to. And this is the parenting and childhood journey to it is a sequenced path of growth from one place to another that is uniquely walked by each one of you uniquely walked by each one of you. The first half of childhood establishes a certain set of needs and then the second half of childhood requires an begs for an upgraded set of needs. And worth and esteem are the first two stops the first two places in this sequence of this journey in the second half of childhood and I cannot wait to share more with you inside of the igniter Joy workshop. Now go now, reserve your complimentary spot. Remember, it's Nelly hardin.com/ignite. And I will see you in there. Thanks so much. All right, you guys. Thank you so much for listening today. We will be back next week with another episode and remember, keep teaching, keep laughing keep loving and above all remember to keep showing up with intention in this 6570 parenthood childhood experience because they absolutely need you. Alright guys, I'll see you next week.

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About the Podcast

The 6570 Family Project
with Nellie Harden
If you are a parent of a tween, teen or somewhere on the way, this is exactly the place for you!
This is the playground for parents who want to raise their kids with intention, strength and joy to come and hear all the discussions, get all the tactics and have lots of laughs along the way!

We will dive into the real challenges in raising kids today and how to show up as parents AND teach your kids to show up as members of the family and individuals in the world.

My name is Nellie Harden. Big city girl turned small town, front porch, iced tea sippin’ momma who loves igniting transformation in the hearts and minds of families by helping them build Self-Led Discipline™ and Leadership to elevate the family experience and set the kids up with a rock solid foundation they can launch their life on all before they even leave home!

About your host

Profile picture for Nellie Harden

Nellie Harden