Does My Child Have ADHD And, If So, What Do I Do About It? with Guest Dr. Nerissa Bauer

Nellie Harden: 00:00:04

Hello and welcome to the 6570 family project podcast. If you are a parent of a tween teen or somewhere on the way, this is exactly the place for you. This is the playground for parents who want to raise their kids with intention, strength and joy. Come and hear all the discussions, get all the tactics and have lots of laughs along the way. We will dive into the real challenges and raising kids today how to show up as parents and teach your kids how to show up as members of the family and individuals of the world. My name is Nellie Harden, big city girl turns small towns sipping iced tea on the front porch mama, who loves igniting transformation in the hearts and minds of families by helping them build selfless discipline and leadership that elevates the family experience. And sets the kids up with a rock solid foundation they can launch their life on all before they ever leave home. This is the 6570 family project. Let's go Hello, and welcome to another episode of the 6570 family project podcast where we are putting aside the power struggles and finding the path to lead our young people forward in confidence, wisdom and respect and prepare them for the world. And I am so excited today to have a guest on that is going to help us do just that. DR. NERISSA BAUER is a behavioral pediatrician and CEO of Let's Talk kids health. Now how many of you would love a behavioral pediatrician right in your back pocket. I know I would, especially when they were younger, but even now, and she really specializes in ADHD, anxiety and depression and really empowering kids and parents to work together while having fun. As a team, this conversation with Dr. Bower is so important. I know I have, you know, since some of those ADHD tendencies in my own kids, and even in myself, and I just came back from a trip with 30 other kids that were all in middle and high school. And I couldn't believe how many kids we were handing out meds to at night and in the morning because they were trying to control and trying to manage this ADHD process for themselves as well. But in this conversation with Dr. Boyer, we are Bauer, sorry, we are going to go through and talk about all the things that we see those little nuances that we can see, we're going to talk about what is contributing to this, we're going to talk about trends that we've seen within the last couple of years best advice. And what you can do when you start seeing maybe some things that could or could or could not be ADHD. Maybe it's just a bad day or a bad week or bad month at home because something is happening. Or maybe this is something that we want to explore a little bit longer. So hang on, I am going to get Dr. Bauer on the call with us. I'm so excited to have her on here. Please help me welcome her. All right, everyone. Welcome to another episode of the 6570 family project podcast. And we have Dr. Bower on here. I am so excited to have you on this call. I already told the listeners some about you. But first of all, welcome.

Nerissa Bauer: 00:03:37

Thank you for having me. I'm so excited to be here. Oh,

Nellie Harden: 00:03:40

you're so welcome. And I as you can see, I am so excited to talk about this. We are going to be touching on the huge umbrella of the ADHD that we see today and that we're experiencing today in families and what we can look for what we can do about it when we see it. Different things that we can do at home different things we can do with experts that are going to be coming along in our village to help us right. And so I just want to preface this and I was talking with Dr. Borba Dr. Bauer beforehand. And I just came from a week long trip skiing trip with some amazing kids. And in that trip, we there was I there was just around 30 middle and high school kids girls boys and we really I started noticing even more four of my own kids were on the trip and then there was all these others. How many kids are you know getting this medication at night and in the morning and how it affects them and what we you know, have to do as leaders when we're with them when the parents aren't around, you know, in order to help calm down some things help streamline some behaviors, and all of this and it was really challenging at some points of this trip. And, you know, we go on these trips about every six months, and I just keep seeing it. And then I also see some, you know, indications and some of my own kids, especially my youngest and honestly and myself, and so I cannot wait to talk with and get a little bit more about this. But before we do, I think your story is so important and how you came to be, and do what you do today. So can you give us a little bit of background on how you became this? This, you know, behavioral pediatrician and helping kids in this way?

Nerissa Bauer: 00:05:33

Yes, absolutely. Thank you for that. So I actually, when I was little, I wanted to be an elementary education teacher. I just knew I wanted to work with kids. And then eventually, as I went into college, and just discovered psychology and all of that my mom were Filipino. So my mom's a nurse, she always wanted me to work in the healthcare field. So I started thinking about that, and then realized, Oh, I could kind of meet that expectation for her, but also, you know, become a physician working with kids that I loved. So I said, Okay, I'll, I'll go into health care, but I love pediatrics, I've got to do that. And, you know, you know, it's just so fun. Because what I love most about being a pediatrician, is that I get to make these relationships with families, with their children from the get go, and then watch them grow. And, you know, really focus on nurturing and supporting the family. Because my patient is not just the child. It's the whole family. I got to support them all. I love that. Yeah, yeah. And the behavioral pediatrician, I get this question all the time, like what is a behavioral pediatrician. And it's basically meaning that I was trained as a general pediatrician. So yes, once a long time ago, I could take care of asthma, allergies, skin, rashes, all of that. But during my training, I really fell in love with and gotten mentored to really focus on developmental behavioral problems. So for me, I focus mostly on helping kids and families navigate roads, with ADHD, anxiety, depression, and parenting issues, school problems. So that's why I call myself a behavioral pediatrician. And it just, you know, to me, it just seems like a really good fit for kind of the things that I really love to help support families kind of navigate. And as I always tell my families, there is not a blood test and imaging study, you know, to diagnose and say, hey, it's this. I really, when I tell when I meet kids, for the first time, I tell them, you know, how doctors have, you know, stethoscopes, and I have one of those too, but when I meet kids, for the first time, I take care of kids who think and learn a little bit differently. And I don't have a magic wand to really understand I what I need to use as my listening ears. And so I'm actually more like a detective, I need to really listen to stories, the good, the not so good. And they're never in trouble for it, I'm just trying to understand. So that way, I can really help the families kind of figure out what the next steps are.

Nellie Harden: 00:08:13

So what age do you typically work with are all ages.

Nerissa Bauer: 00:08:18

I mean, pediatrics, you know, runs the whole gamut. However, in my practice, I tend to focus on kids as early as two all the way up to about 1516.

Nellie Harden: 00:08:28

Wow, wow. That's amazing. And I one thing, you know, and you mentioned to you know, a little bit differently, or a little bit abnormal, one of the things I've always told my kids because there is so many different ways of thinking so many different ways of behaving, right. And I always tell my kids that normal is just a facade, like, there is no such thing as normal. And, you know, I don't know why it popped into my head so long ago, but you know, if, if a number two and a number four are sitting on the couch, like are you going to serve them food, and you're going to give them something and number three would love but neither one of them really love that. Right? And so, anyway, I just want all the listeners to to know and I know that you know, based on you know, what you do? Everybody is so different and really helping our kids understand that, you know, if they are a slant from quote, unquote, normal or whatever, then great, because everybody is,

Nerissa Bauer: 00:09:30

yeah, and everybody has something they're working on. We all have our gifts. And I think what I love to do when I work with families, is even though I'm I'm met families often come to me because they want to understand why their child is struggling in certain areas. When we come to a diagnosis, and that could be a whole other topic about like labeling and all of this, but I always try to really onboard kids as early as possible because they might be sitting there and they might hear me say ADHD and even the young kids, they might be like, Oh my gosh, what is that? Did I do something? Can I did I did I catch that is something wrong with me. And I'm really trying to always think about the child's perspective, because I want them to not be afraid. I want them to be empowered to know it's not anything that's wrong with them, we're just gonna learn how to work with their brains.

Nellie Harden: 00:10:21

Yeah, absolutely. So when parents come to you, they've obviously noticed something at home. So what are some of those things that they have noticed at home that trigger them to be like, you know, what? Or maybe it's a teacher that notice something or someone else? You know, maybe this is something that we should explore a little bit more? What are typically those those things?

Nerissa Bauer: 00:10:44

Yeah, well, you know, this, we're seeing a lot of families coming in, because we've, we've been in this unique situation where now many kids had to do remote learning. Parents got a front lot, you know, front view, front row seat to seeing how their child is thinking and learning for the first time. And a lot of parents were really concerned, you know, it was a transition for everybody, not not, not just the fact that we're in this like stressful pandemic where nothing was certain, right. And so some of those things that parents were talking about, were like, Okay, first of all, crying because they don't want to do this, like sitting snap, being able to sit still staring at a screen. Like, some of my kids were, their parents were telling me that the sound because I'm zoom, it'll, it all comes through the microphone, and it's either loud, or mute. And some kids with sensory issues that were really sensitive to that it was really hard with, lots of people are talking and all of that. They're also talking about, you know, regression, my kids are not sleeping well, they're not eating, they are not doing things that they used to do, what's going on, you know, feelings of sadness, a lot of kids were also feeling very isolated, and not being able to go to school not understanding that. So there's so many different things that parents were reporting. But I think the big message, especially early on, and continuing is that parents are experts of their child, you spend the most time with them, you know, when something is amiss, I always tell parents not to disregard that mommy radar, you know. And so just talk about it, you know, and I think it can be really overwhelming, when all of a sudden, now you have 24 hour, kind of all this data of what you're taking in and you're like, I don't even know where to focus, like, how can I distill this down for you, and I only have 15 minutes or whatever, right? So you know, helping families navigate that, so that they can feel empowered to just bring up what they're seeing. And then the pediatrician can sort of help them figure out what the next steps are.

Nellie Harden: 00:13:07

So really just coming alongside the parent, and not just focusing on the child, but like you said, it's more of a holistic family view that that you have and that you work with,

Nerissa Bauer: 00:13:16

right, and starting with, like any changes from baseline, because we you know, how your child was before you're seeing any change in different areas, that's going to be important to know.

Nellie Harden: 00:13:29

And yeah, I think, definitely the pandemic kind of put families under this microscope. So, which I find really interesting. I've homeschooled my kids for seven years now. So I was, you know, I did homeschool before was, you know, pandemic cool. But it was, it's always been interesting, because we that was one of the biggest things that we noticed in homeschooling our kids, so I started my youngest was in kindergarten, I had two in second grade, and then I had one in fifth grade, and especially the younger ones. When I was with them all that time, we started picking up on the very early roots of perfectionism, or really comparison unhealthy competitiveness lying even in order to you know, cover up something and behavior like really teaching them how to turn inward and focus you know, finding how they can focus to not just, you know, you must sit here you must do this like what helps you focus we have a whole bin downstairs of manipulatives so they can you know, do things as they're doing this but also you got to be careful not to trigger the sister next to you. Distracted by that, right? Yeah, exactly. It's so funny. Like I my youngest daughter, she would be perfectly happy bouncing on a ball the entire, you know, school, school time that we have is A group that would drive her sisters and probably me crazy, because it's not just the visual, it's also the sound of the rent, rent rent, right? You know. And so yeah, the balance is hard. I feel for teachers that have 20 Something students in their classrooms, and they're trying to figure it all out. But they also don't have that intuition or authority and influence of a parent. And so that's, that's really difficult. And I feel for I feel for those teachers. So and like this weekend, I've been going through and seeing all of these so how? So what are some things that we can do at home? Like maybe we're starting to notice a couple of things? What are some, you know, just tips or explorations that we can do questions that we can ask them that might start to open this door to see if this is even something that we need to, you know, rabbit hole, we need to go further down? Or maybe they're just having an off day off week? or what have you? Yeah, no,

Nerissa Bauer: 00:16:05

that's a great question. I mean, I think the first is, I'd like to at least tell you and the listeners about this, is that I was the spokesperson, on behalf of the American Academy of Pediatrics a couple of years ago, with understood this, there was a take note campaign. So n o t, that stands for notice, observe, talk and engage. And it was really meant to help empower families to know that if they're starting to see any issues to first, like, take notes of these things, like what are you seeing, documenting, thinking about when I'm seeing a family and wanting to know more and get a good behavioral history? Some of the questions that I'm going to be asking are, when did it start? How often is it happening? How does it affect the child? How does it affect the family and or siblings? And what makes it better? What makes it worse? Like what have you tried? Those are some of the basic things that we sort of go into when I'm trying to understand, you know, certain issue that the parent or child brings up. So I would, I would always recommend to families, like if you can just sort of take like a very quick record, you know, or just kind of see for trends or anything like that. Because you you mentioned something like how do I know if it's just a bad day, or, you know, an off day or off week, that's how we're going to know, you know, again, you are you're the expert of your child, if this is something that's persisting, it's different from what they're normally are doing, you know, that something's amiss, like no concern is too small or too big. I mean, I think that's what I want families to know is that you pediatricians are there to be able to talk to you about these things, we want to know those things. So notice is the first one observe is also so that's part of that. So notice, it observes the stopping the thing, and then like kind of like really like looking in and kind of thinking like, was it after not eating was it that we were on a zoom call for a couple hours, and they were just kind of tired, or you just had a bad day. So kind of thinking about all those different things, and just making quick notes. Because what we want to look for are trends. And then also talking, talking to the respective people that you need. So talking to your child talking to teachers, talking to daycare provider, whoever is involved in your child's care, because they can see your child in different settings, because that's going to be important for pediatricians to distinguish is this more than just a parenting issue? Right? I mean, is it like a relationship interaction issue? Or is it something that's affecting the child in multiple environments across multiple people? Those are some of the things that we also kind of need to think about. And look at, is it a child's temperament? You know, hopefully, ideally, the pediatrician is like, has followed your family for a while. And so they kind of can understand like, is there is your child kind of trend towards perfectionism or things like that? Are they more slow to warm up or flexible? So sometimes some of these are just manifestations of what's normal. But again, thinking through that with the family, was there a stressor that happens, you know, so, these are a lot of the things that I'm thinking about when I'm meeting with families to try to, you know, kind of follow the clues and not jumping to conclusions,

Nellie Harden: 00:19:39

right. And I find it interesting because for, I mean, that's how I do everything. You know, I I observe I take notes and I research and I and sometimes that research is just sitting there and observing. I was just telling my kids the other day I took this anthropology course in college And I had to go to some Zoo. I think it was the St. Louis Zoo. And I had to observe for like, six hours, this gorilla and my kids were like, six hours, you just sat there and watched. And I was like, Yeah, you know, you just watch and see what happens and take notes and everything. But anyway, that was just kind of funny. They're like, why are these just sat there for six hours? Because you go to the bathroom, you know? Funny, I used to work in the animal in the animal world. So they're, you know, their idea was watching a beluga give birth once, and that was a much longer observation period, you know? Anyway, but with these observations, I think, as a parent, because just as the kids are getting bombarded 24/7 and social world today, so our parents and it is that plus responsibility, a whole lot of responsibility. Right? And so it can, it's very easy. What I've found is it's very easy for parents to just be like, in survival mode, right? We survived another day. They're okay, they're in bed, check the box, you know, mental, emotional, they seem like I think they smiled a couple of times today. So when I asked them, they said they were you know, we call it the afford the fine, right? We they said they were fine. So everything is fine. So we're in bed, everything's good. And it's really easy for a lot of our kids to slip below the radar, and the having all of this manifestation of of these issues that are cropping up because of that, and I, you know, it just is the world we live in, but having that really intentional mindset as a parent to be like, whoa, whoa, whoa, like, are we actually are okay, like, are we not just Okay, are we actually good? Like, are they thriving? And the whole point of childhood is to teach them it's their training ground for adulthood. So that's what we're moving toward, right? Yep. Yep. And so when I put on my observation hat with my kids, a long time ago, I mean, I'm talking like 10 years ago, or so they're now 1214 14 and 16. So when I put that on a long time ago, I really realized that big amounts of sugar and particularly, food coloring was a very big trigger for them. And then anything, you know, if they were having, you know, we go out we have ice cream, or you know, we do things and, you know, the kids are allowed to sweet a day, we have like these little chocolate nuggets in the in the freezer that we keep or whatever, but we totally nixed food coloring about 10 years ago for the family. Yep. And I noticed over the weekend, my word I was, you know, there was a snack shack there. And these kids are going there. And everything that they were taking in was bright blue, bright, red, bright, yellow, bright green, you know, all these things. And I was just cringing on the inside. And I would say something, you know, a couple of times, but some of those kids on the bus found out that my kids don't eat food coloring. And they were like, Miss Nelly, your kids are allowed to have candy. And I was like, No, our kids gonna have candy. Like we have chocolate, right? We have chocolate, we have candy. And they're not like eating rice and beans for every meal or anything. But they were so these kids were so shocked. And my kids are like, yeah, no, no food coloring bad for the brain, you know. And so it was just really eye opening for me to again, see all of this food coloring coming in all of this, you know, which of course comes with the sugar as well, but and then these kids being so shocked that my kids do not eat food coloring. Yeah. So, um, that route? I know, that's just one of them. But what are some other things that you can see there contributing environment or nutrition wise to this surge that we're seeing? And are you even seeing a surge or do you think it's pretty plateaued?

Nerissa Bauer: 00:24:03

No, I mean, I will say that ADHD Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder, it's the most common neurodevelopmental condition that pediatricians are gonna encounter. Right? But it, you know, 6.1 million children and teens between the ages of two and 17 have ever been diagnosed with ADHD. But the, the pandemic has really amplified it and then have brought families in earlier for possible concerns. Okay. What makes this challenging is is that there's not one cause to ADHD. Probably a lot of different things. You've mentioned a couple you know, sugar, artificial dyes. Certainly there are dietary factors to consider. So I love that first of all that you observe arrived. And then we're proactive to kind of try that experiment at home to kind of eliminate, and then you actually saw some changes, right? There are a subset of kids that are super sensitive to that. So it's not necessarily going to work for everybody. But it is something that we talk about, because that is something that if you're committed to trying to decrease the every other factor that could be contributing. Absolutely. But you've got to do it for everybody can't just do for one person in the family doesn't work. But yes, sleep huge. Also, poor sleep. That's another thing. As a pediatrician, I'm always asking families about not just the quantity of hours of sleep, but the quality, because we know that if you're not getting great sleep, that can affect how you concentrate your mood, you know, your your emotion regulation ability, right? So again, that's one thing that we always try to nurture with our kids who, who, you know, just in general, but if they have attention and learning differences, we need to empower them to know that these are some self care strategies that they can take with them into adulthood, because they need to kind of do what they can for themselves to set up their day. To be a success, right being

Nellie Harden: 00:26:16

self advocate. Yeah, yes. Yes.

Nerissa Bauer: 00:26:18

So sleep. Also, you know, there's been a lot of discussion about gluten and all of those, too. Right. And, and, again, it's it's really hard to, to kind of put a blanket over that, again, I think it falls into the if there is that correlation, it's usually a small to moderate change if you do really work on it. Tort for attention and learning, you know, yeah. There's also this myth that bad parenting and I just want to say, No, we're like, Did I do something, you know, right. So no, and then, you know, prematurity, tobacco smoke, those are other things that can also can contribute. And the research has shown that that can contribute to attention to learning difficulties later. So prematurity, and exposure because that brain is developing, and it's like a window during pregnancy that, you know, can affect certain things. And then now, we've also there's a lot more science around what we call adverse childhood experiences. Have

Unknown: 00:27:26

you heard of this term? Or aces? Yes, yes.

Nerissa Bauer: 00:27:29

So we know that not everything is nature, but also nurture. And these things are super important to understand the context. Because we know that depending on when it happened in childhood, the severity as well as the frequency, kids react to these adverse childhood experiences with stress, and toxic stress, meaning chronic exposure, even low levels can change brain development. Yeah, it resets your child's like threshold for regulation, attention. And think about it, when you are under stress, your body goes into fight flight or freeze mode, right? And you you are just kind of surviving. And so what we see as parents or teachers, we just see the behavior or the symptom. It's up to your team, and everybody including the parent child, to really kind of put together everything that we're seeing to understand is this ADHD is this anxiety is this trauma is this other things that can mimic ADHD, right? And potentially, this child can have all these things, but we really want to get clear on what are those other things happening that could be contributing to what we're seeing?

Nellie Harden: 00:28:52

Yeah. And I think that touches on something that I am so I think is so important. And a pedestal I stand on for sure is the partnership between parent and child. And above all, I think that those two need or three, or whatever, need to come together. And as a family come together, I really, really look at the family as a team. And if you know, there's six of us in our family, and if something's going on with one of us, then we all come together and support that person that is going through that, whether that is me, or one of my kids, you know, we my husband and I are the captains of this team. But there's times that I need stuff to and it's been a beautiful road and to be able to see, you know, me now with you know, having older, older ish kids, between 12 and 16 that when I'm having a bad day and things I'm just like, You know what, I don't have to hide it. I can just be like, You know what, guys? I'm having a really tough day. This happened today. I'm just kind of feeling down and they rally and it's beautiful to see, you know, because I know that sometime down the line, they're gonna have somebody else that needs something and they can rally around them right? And again, that teaching but when you're talking about the parent child coming together to figure out a solution that just that's warms my heart. And it's so important because then it isn't the parents saying my child is a victim. And I need to fix this before they know anything too much about it, right? Because I've seen that too. Yeah. Where, where the parent is kind of like secretively changing things behind the scenes. And we're just going to go here, oh, you know, that's fine, or whatever. And we're just gonna go here and talk to this person, but not being really honest about what's going on. And you know, that honesty is great. It is I care about you and love you. And I want to set you up for great success in life. So let's do this together. Right, that will Yeah, that's a great truth. Oh, it's so true. Yeah. But so many parents are, you know, want

Nerissa Bauer: 00:30:59

to shield them. They want it like, you know, they want to protect them. And I get that I totally get it. Yeah, I get it. However, what so can I come in and said these? Yeah, like you said, as a family, we rally together. I mean, that's, that's beautiful. That's empathy. We want our kids like you can teach and cultivate that. You want them to be able to sort of reflect on the fact that other people have feelings and thoughts. And be mindful of that, and then be spurred to take action. Right. So that's, that's wonderful. And then also, I think to is when I and thank you for bringing that up. Because when I see a family for the first time, I often will ask parents or Alaska child, like, Do you know why you're here today? What did you hear about me? Do you know why you're here? You know, I think it's so interesting. And I always first talk with the child first, even if the parents are there, I'll actually say hello to the child. Hey, how are you? What's your name? I'm talking to Dr. Bower and, and who did you bring here today? So, right, and because I really want them to know that this is for them. And I always go through my spiel of you know, this is a safe place. I'm not a doctor that gives shots. I know that, you know, some doctors do, but I just don't want you to be worried about that. Because I'm not that kind of doctor. And they're like, Okay, good. But I think it's so important to get buy in from the child because what I tell families all the time, and that's going back to my detective analogy, I don't have a magic wand. I can't like just X ray, their, you know, their brains to know what they're thinking and feeling and what they think and feel matters to everybody. We're here as a to come together to figure out how to help you just feel better. Yeah, so that things aren't as hard. But the only way that I can do that is really understanding how they're thinking and feeling. Right. And I said, when you begin to feel safe with me and or anybody else on this team, like, that's what we're trying to help, you know, kind of activate and empower the child to be able to be like, This is how I've been feeling. This is what I like, this is what I don't like, I you know, so and I, I would hope that those conversations start at home, too. You know, because it's so important to just engage with your child and invite them. Their voice matters. Yeah.

Nellie Harden: 00:33:25

I was sitting on the couch with my youngest last night, and she's a mover, she's always moving. And she's 12. And she's just always been this way. And she like, her brain works so fast that sometimes her words come out as total slurs and I can't tell you how many times a day we have to tell her slow down and say the whole word. Yes, she will. But then like two minutes later, it's like you know, and so anyway, I'm sitting on the couch with her last night and she's moving and she's sitting right next to me and one of my personal triggers is small repetitive movements and so that just like I don't deal well with that but and then she is a small repetitive movement my daughter so she's sitting next to me and we have this big old couch and I was like Journey is her name I was like journey I just really need you to sit still or move over a little bit just so you're not you know rub it's like the smallest rub again repeated rub against my arm you know, and that's my sensory issues right there and but she was like I always have to move Mom You know, I love moving and I was like I know but I don't and so I need you to move over a little bit. And it's just so funny to see all these different kids that I have I have one that does have sensory issues how to cut out all the all the tags and everything. Yes, when she was little, and then I have one that is just super sensitive, actually like reactionary sensitive to things which has made her mad mentally sensitive to things, you know, and so her skin is very reactive. And so then she's like, Oh, I don't know if I could do that. I don't know if I could do that. And so she, she gets sensitive that way. But anyway, my whole point being all of our kids are very different. All of our kids think very different. But if we can help them learn how to manage their own thoughts with ourselves, or with a team of someone amazing, like amazing, like you, then then they will be so much better set up for life. But before we go, because I think we could talk on this for hours. But before we go, I want to know if there is any. So just the besides note, which I love the notice, observe, talk and engage. When you first start seeing something at home, what are some of those first things that you can do maybe a question or so that you can ask your kid or someone that you can reach out to? Would your pediatrician, be the first person to reach out to?

Nerissa Bauer: 00:35:55

Yes, yes. would be, but I think, if you feel comfortable talking with your child, like, yeah, just start that conversation and say, you know, what, I've noticed and use the eye, you know, like, I've noticed that the past couple of days, you've been a little bit more quiet, or you've been having a hard time sitting still? Like, how is that for you? Like, have you noticed that to? What's going on? I'm just kind of curious there, you know, it just seems a little different going off, you know. So again, you're showing them that you're noticing and observing, right? And then engaging them and inviting them to sort of say some younger kids might be like, I don't know, how I gotta move. Right? Right. But that's okay. I mean, but you can at least normalize those conversations, what I love about what you said to your daughter, like, I need you to move over here, right? Instead of you just getting frustrated, and just showing it, talking to them. And sharing and role modeling, how to express your inner thoughts is so important. Yeah. By showing them that, okay, I'm feeling this way. But this is how I share to you respectfully, hello, I'm thinking and feeling because nobody can read each other's mind. Right? Exactly. You're modeling that for your kids to be able to say, You know what, today, I'm just having an off day, I just need some time alone. It's okay. But I'd rather hear that right, then then sort of make assumptions are, you know, kind of get kind of defensive. You're, I think, having that two way communication is so key and getting in touch and inviting those feelings and modeling that.

Nellie Harden: 00:37:35

Yeah. And being specific in your questions. I was just writing something for some of my clients, and instead of saying, Hey, is everything okay? And then they say, Yeah, or everything's fine. And then moving on, right? being specific, like those questions that you just asked, you know, I've noticed this specific thing happening, how do you feel in this specific thing, because that opens the door so much more for communication, this, this big, wide range? How is everything in your life going and your life? Right? Good, because I can't talk about everything in my life right now. So I'm just gonna say good and fine. So I can move on from this.

Nerissa Bauer: 00:38:14

And I'm gonna piggyback really quickly because I know we're gonna wrap up. But like, if families hear from a teacher, hey, so and so had a really bad day today, this is what happened. Don't just like when your child comes home, don't just say, So how was your day? And then they're like, fine, and then you're gonna be like, seizing and you're like, I know, it wasn't fine. So don't start those conversations that way. Okay. Like to say, so, honey, I heard from your teacher that this happened. I'd like to know more. Let's, you know, get a snack. And again, I just need to understand what was happening there. So that way I can help figure out and you know, if it's gonna happen again, what you could do instead or how you can ask for help. Yeah, yeah. Right. So just like going there. Right?

Nellie Harden: 00:38:56

I mean, I'm not making them a bad kid. Right?

Nerissa Bauer: 00:39:00

Because, again, when kids act out, whether it be yelling, crying, having a meltdown, shutting down, whatever, however they're showing it. I always tell parents, this is their way of telling you they need help. Yeah, I mean, at least they're trying. But as a parent, you need to recognize that our kids might not have a way to know how to communicate that they might not know. So when you ask them what's happening, I don't know. Like, I just haven't been like, right, but they might not know. But again, the fact that you're tuning in and inviting a conversation is important. And it also helps parents because they can hopefully not take it personally. And just learn to say, Okay, I see my child is struggling right now. I need to help them figure out how to navigate this strong emotion so that we can get back to calm and then have a discussion, problem solve and move forward. Yes,

Nellie Harden: 00:39:55

yes. So Oh, my goodness. Well, this was such a great call. I know Have a page of notes right here. And I love it. So thank you so much for being on the show, first of all. And then can you tell our listeners where we can find your genius out there?

Nerissa Bauer: 00:40:11

Oh, thank you. Thank you. I'd love to connect with anybody and everyone who just thought that this was helpful. And if you have questions, please reach out. My website is called Let's Talk kidshealth.org. And there you'll find out information about me. And everything that I offer. I do a weekly show on both Facebook and YouTube. So I bring experts and guests to just help me demystify behavioral health and parenting issues. So I think it's important that we all talk together. That's why it's called Let's Talk kids. Yeah, yeah. And then I do a free parenting book club about four to six times a year where we read a common book out there. And then I've been inviting the author's to come so that way, you can ask them questions. And then lastly, I also have developed these jumpstart kits and a class for kids with ADHD to take with their parent called Teach Me ADHD, again, where you become junior and senior detectives, and you take the class with other families so that kids first of all can see, right, they're not different, weird, they allow their kids just like them. And then we do family missions and deeds. You sent evidence to headquarters, and get feedback and just support from an amazing community. So and it's just so that kids can learn about ADHD so that they can learn to embrace it, and know that it's not something scary, they they will learn everything they need to know about like a treatment plan, and then you know that ADHD is their superpower. Yes.

Nellie Harden: 00:41:45

I have to say, do you. And have you heard of the Holderness family at all? Yes. Okay. Yes. We're huge Holderness family. Okay. Awesome. So yeah, I absolutely love Kim and Penn. We live close, closest to them and North Carolina. So anyway. Yeah, I just want to say because so far, always saying that. Yes, I know yours. And I'm just I'm so proud of them.

Nerissa Bauer: 00:42:12

I love that they're using their platform to sort of share. Yes, that's right. Yes. Oh, we just need to keep talking about this. We keep talking about it.

Nellie Harden: 00:42:20

Absolutely. Well, thank you so much for being on. I can't wait to connect again.

Nerissa Bauer: 00:42:26

Yes, you know where to find me. And it's so great. Thank you for doing the work that you do. I think it is so important to sort of just know that this time of life. It goes fast. But some moments it feels slow. But again, like I like I think that as parents, we play such a valuable role in helping shape our children into these successful thriving young adults who are going to be ready to launch and everything that happens in the home is that safe space. So they're going to be pitfalls are going to be mistakes. But as long as you can kind of reframe it as learning opportunities, you'll be just fine.